I Know By Now You Think I Should Have Straightened Myself Out

"I'm doing very well 

 I can block out the present and the past now 

 I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out 

 Thank you, drop dead 

 Something is squeezing my skull 

 Something I can barely describe"

Something Is Squeezing My Skull - Morrissey 

I had two motivations for the idea of this blog post, or at least the song selection!

1. Morrissey @ The Fillmore, December 4
2. My latest appointment with my therapist 

To the first.....I recently purchased tickets to see Morrissey, which will be the 2nd time I will see him in concert in just over a year. Maybe, it was the dealing with my Persistent Depressive Disorder all those years but his song lyrics have resonated with me very deeply over my life. Though at that time I had no idea why I was always miserable, thankfully not as miserable as Morrissey.... I think, I hope!

The second motivation was a recent discussion I had with my therapist during my last "Therapy Thursday" session. Here is yet another peak into the demented workings of my mind, considered yourself warned.

As we were going over my notebook of Random Thoughts for the week, I had a list under the comment, " I am trying but sometimes but it gets tiresome writing the same things each week." The trying part was to say I am not letting PDD beat me at the same time it is hard to continually feel the same way. The first comment among the list of 9 was "Not An Act." Of the nine, this was the one that stood out to her and she instantly asked what I meant by that. I had to think for a minute, as I wanted to explain it clearly, but here is what I explained to her in the warped workings of my mind......

1. I tried to explain that between the blog and my notebook, I sometimes think people assume I am playing into the diagnosis of Persistent Depression Disorder to keep the "stick" going. It is as being miserable and aloof is what I want to be and be known for but yet it is what I am known for. At the same time, I expressed to her that in another part of my mind, I know people are not thinking that but that part of my mind rarely wins. I told her it is tiresome because who wants or chooses to be this way. Who really wants to be this miserable? Who wants to be on medications? Who wants to be in therapy every week? Who wants to alienate everybody in their life?
2. I also explained that maybe because of my sarcasm, that some people may get uncomfortable when I joke in my typical fashion about the diagnosis, being in therapy or being on medications. I sometimes get the impression that some people can't get how one can be so depressed if they can joke about it openly. Unfortunately, because of my social anxieties, it is the only way I know how to deal with it. I am not trying to make light of my situation but in my mind it makes it easier for me to talk about it with others.
3. I explained to her I have had people, not understanding how deep my depression runs, explain to me that everybody has felt the same way as I do from time to time.  I don't say it out loud to them but in the back of mind I once again think .....Why would anybody choose to be as miserable as I am? Do they think I enjoy this? Or did they think that being in therapy would be instant cure? I just realize they just don't understand at the same time I will add that 99% of the people i know have been very supportive and understanding!

Someday, I will go over the other 8 statements listed along with "Not An Act" but that will take more of a flow chart as in some way they are all interconnected. My therapist thinks that it would make a great blog post because of the intricacies of each statement though it could also get very confusing. Confusing you ask....you have to remember who's mind you are working with here! At the same time, I have to leave some topics for the blog to continue! Ha ha!

#stopthestigma #iam1in4 #imfine

Sitting Waiting For Therapy Session

Sometimes I Have To Remind Myself.........

"There is a house built out of stone
 Wooden floors, walls and window sills
 Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
 This is a place where I don't feel alone
 This is a place where I feel at home"
Cinematic Orchestra - "To Build A Home"

New Tattoo 

As everybody who reads this blog knows, I have a weekly therapy session with my psychologist, which has been helping tremendously, but sometimes that just is not enough. Sometimes I need a that daily reminder and earlier in the week I gave myself that reminder............ the above tattoo 

After all.....like everybody who may read this.....I am only human! (Right?)

But for reasons unknown to me........I quite often forget this. 

OK, I need to be honest with you.....The reasons are not really unknown .....Who am I kidding?????

I know the reasons and there are many more than this....

These are just a few of the bigger reasons I forget that I am human..............(Now you need to understand, these are the thoughts I deal with and yet to be able to control and they have nothing to do with how you treat or interact with me)

1. I feel as though as I am the only who feels this way. Though that statistics say 1 in 4 will deal with a mental illness, quite often I feel as though I am the only one who is miserable. Everybody seems so much happier than me. 
2. Always feel as though I am judged by everybody...... and quite often judged negatively. Though my psychologist tells me every session, that most people are too caught up in their own little worlds to be judging me, I just can't get over my own perceptions.
3. To go along with number 2, I deal with the unending feeling that nothing I can do will ever be good enough. It will never be good enough for me, for reasons that are truly unknown, and never good enough for anybody else because of the insane wiring of my brain. In my head, I can never be what people want me to be or be the person I perceive they want me to be. I am not sure where this idea of perfection came from bt for some reason I cannot stop striving for it.
4. Because of number 3, I have never been able to enjoy anything in my life. Even today this continues, despite therapy and medication! I finished a triathlon in 6th overall and 1st in my age group but nearly went home because I felt my performance was not worthy of standing on a podium. Because of one leg of three being a little off, I felt I let people down because it was not the best possible race I could have put out there. I want to enjoy it.......but I don't how.
5. And in the immortal words of my favorite television character (Dr. Gregory House), "I like being alone, at least I convinced myself that I am better off that way." This ties the other four points together but yet in some ways, it is still just the tip of the iceberg into the warped wiring of my brain. I have a feeling number 5 will need to be a post soon as it will tale to long to explain now! I have to keep you readers coming back for more!

I can assure you that through therapy and medications, I am working through this and I am improving but it is still a work in progress. And putting this out there is very therapeutic for myself where some may see it as embarrassing but if I cannot be honest with myself I cannot get better!

In addition to the tattoo the big guy in the picture below has also been a great reminder that I amonly human!

Spike!!! 

#stopthestigma #iam1in4 #imfinesaveme #human

My Other Reminder-Spikethebulldog13

A Therapy Session - A Disturbing But Truthful Look Into The Inner Workings Of My Mind ((Scary!!!!)

"I don't know what's worth fighting for
 Or why I have to scream
 But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean
 I don't know how I got this way
 I'll never be alright
 So I'm breaking the habit"

Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park 

Not sure if this is best the idea but after my session today with my psychologist, I kind of thought that maybe an in depth look into one of my sessions would give people an idea how warped my mind has been for decades. 

In my state of mind after last night, the lyric above resonated with me and for a brief moment gave me the true purpose of my blog and my notebook of random thoughts.The purpose which came to mind last night could have been influenced by the beer or two which I had or could have been me justifying my depression and that maybe despite being in therapy, I am just destined to be this way......miserable!

Where is this post going???? Hell if I know half the time!!! Ha ha!!! I should stop having these beers!!! Ha ha!!

But for some reason on my drive home from the therapy session today, I thought a detailed look into one of my sessions might be a good post! (or not) 

Each week, my entry into my notebook of random thoughts starts with a lyric and the lyric above was the choice for this week. And the start of the session each week, my psychologist ask why this lyric. For reasons not to be explained yet, happenings of the night before brought me to the epiphany of why I need to blog.........

The reason......To keep others from making the same mistakes as me and being as screwed up as I am! I was making myself the martyr for all those screwed up, as I perceived myself beyond help but at least having the clarity to express myself to help others to not the same mistakes as I did.I joked that people would pay homage to me and erect monuments to me as I prevented all misery on life and all would be happy except me!

As frustrating as I can be to almost everybody, in her professional manner, she asked if I really believed this. In all honesty, I explained to her after the previous evening, I am about 50/50 on this one. And trust me, my psychologist should get hazard pay for dealing with me as I know I am not the easiest person to deal with but she humors me when I make statements like this. She then brings me back to reality but and we go into my CBT questions and we figure out how absurd these statements are! 

But then I explained to her that my notebook of random thoughts would make for a great story line and movie that will prevent others from being as screwed up as me! I explained, I picture the movie as something similar to "The Shawshank Redemption" and Morgan Freeman narrating my thoughts. Think about.........How cool would that be????? And after everybody sees this epic film, the world would be filled with happy people because they would see the errors in my ways and not make the same mistakes I did. Imagine that a world of happy  people because one person (myself) is left to make mistakes so others can be happy! 

Before you think how sad that sounds, I will be honest with you.......most people who feel the way I feel at times, we believe we are all alone and the only one who feels the way we do at the time. We often feel like the martyr and the world is against us. We feel as there is no helping us and all is lost. 

As much as I perceive in my own mind, that people think of me as just a miserable person, am I happy with that perception????? 

Believe it or not...... I am not! While at times, I even believe that my miserableness is what defines me, I am not happy about it. Who really wants to be miserable or perceived as a miserable person? Trust me, if you seen how much I have screwed up my life over the past three decades....... you would want anything other than being like me.......

So if you are much younger than me and reading this........make changes now before Morgan Freeman is narrating your memoirs! 

At the same time....not giving up hope here!!! 

#stopthestigma #iam1infour #dontbelikeme

Where Is The Real Me?

"I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it
 I'm at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is
 I'm in a box
 But I’m the one who locked me in
 Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen"

Paralyzed - NF

Pretty much describes how my mind works!

Five weeks since last post......Unfortunately, despite the break between post, it does not mean I am cured. Still dealing with PDD, in therapy and medicated! 

It has just been a hectic five weeks of travel, running camp and preseason for my cross country teams. I just have had not time to sit down and collect my thoughts and translate them into a single post till now. And given the messed up way my mind works, there are so many thoughts to go through since my last post and it has made it tough to pen this post. Thankfully, I still had my therapy sessions to keep me on an even keel.

To start, here are my travels/happenings over the past 37 days

1. Lake Placid, NY - triathlon training trip with 12 others/one house for 4 days
2. Grand Junction, CO - quick trip of two days and what felt like endless time in airports
3. Canadensis, PA - working RunningWorks Running Camp for 7 days
4. Selinsgrove, PA - home for preseason for my XC teams 

What in the world could be so bad with those five weeks? On paper, to most people I know......nothing! It sounds like the perfect 4-5 week stretch for a triathlete or cross country coach.

But to somebody like me.....dealing with PDD and social anxiety - double whammy , it was a veritable roller coaster ride of emotions, often dark emotions. Thankfully, through therapy and medication, I am in better spot than I was 4 months ago to handle (use the term handle mildly) these situations. 

Now, what you are about to read are my perceptions (due to my warped mind) and I know nobody thinks these things (at least I hope not) so you should apologize or feel guilty. Upfront, I have to thank everybody as all of you have been so understanding and supportive and made it easy for me to be so open about this. 

Here are the two major things that occupied my mind the past five weeks and have been the majority of discussion in my therapy sessions:

1.  The most powerful emotion I dealt with over this stretch was the sense of loneliness that I felt while in the airports on my travels to Grand Junction. Maybe it just the way airports and traveling alone can make one feel, but I never felt more alone or that I was destined to be alone than those few days. Could it have been the walking from gate to gate just observing blank faces without any real human interaction or observing others who seem to be interacting with others while I had nobody, other than some texts? Eerily, it was as though I did not exist and I was just wandering aimlessly lost among the crowd. This wandering the airports aimlessly and waiting on flights did lend itself to a lot of thinking and contemplating about......how did I get so screwed up? Why can't I stop thinking this way? Medicated or not, this ruminating was just killing me. Though many people might want me to believe or even tell me, it is not something I can just turn off or get over. I wish it was that easy! If it was, this blog would not be needed.
2. The second feeling I dealt with during these five weeks was a sense of not fitting in or having anything to offer a group or even worse, being alone yet in a group of people I know. Even more so than the sense of loneliness that the airport seem to bring out, this one is all on me, as the groups in Placid and RunningWorks are people who I enjoy being around and have been the most supportive. In a  lot of ways, I actually have been most open about my dealings with PDD with these groups yet my anxiety still takes over and my wall goes up. And what a wall I can build! Thankfully, with therapy, I have been able to appear from behind the wall from time to time but in my head it seems fake and emotionally draining when I get back behind the wall. So sometimes, it is just easier to sit back and take it all in and offer something when asked and hopefully not appeared to awkward to everybody else. Unfortunately, to often when given the opportunity, my replies are a few short words as I feel I really don't have much to offer or the person asking will lose interest quickly in my response. 

Damned if do, damned if don't! As much as I hate feeling alone or isolated, the idea of putting myself out there can be even more stressful. I wish I could truly explain this sensation to people. I do try to put myself out there more, especially since starting therapy, but too often it is just to easy to hide behind my wall and fulfill my own prophecies of I am better off alone.

I know I am on the path to being better,as four months ago I could not have spoken this openly about this. Therapy and medication is working but the real key to getting better, for me at least, is putting this out there for all to read. I can honestly say I have moved well beyond the stigma and hopefully we all can which may help so many more in the long run.

#stopthestigma #iam1in4

Crawling In My Skin

" Discomfort, endlessly has pulled
   Itself upon me distracting, reacting
   Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
   It's haunting how I can't seem

   To find myself again
   My walls are closing in"

Crawling - Linkin Park

I know in my last post I mentioned about getting more positive about my dealings with depression but given the news of Chester Bennington, I figure I needed one more reality check for the masses post before moving on! 

Some facts about depression:

1.  Even positive events such as graduating, getting married, a new job can lead to depression.
2.  At some point in their lives, about one in four Americans will experience depression.
3.  More than 20 million people in the United States suffer from depression in a given year.
4.  As many as 15% of those who suffer from some form of depression take their lives each year.
5.  Because the brains of older people are more vulnerable to chemical abnormalities, they are more likely than young people to suffer depression.
6.  Approximately 80% sufferers of depression are not receiving treatment.
7.  The World Health Organization estimates that depression will be the second highest medical cause of disability by the year 2030, second only to HIV/AIDS.
8.  Many creative individuals have experienced depression, including Robert Schumann, Ludwig van Beethoven, Peter Tchaikovsky, John Lennon, Edgar Allan Poe, Mark Twain, Georgia O’Keefe, Vincent van Gogh, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Sylvia Plath.
9.  Depressed individuals have two times greater overall mortality risk than the facts general population due to direct (e.g., suicide) and indirect (medical illness) causes.

These are just a few facts about depression that I found that I thought would hit home similar to the suicide of Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. These nine facts are from a list of 57 facts on Fact Retreiver.

It is amazing to think that one in four Americans will experience depression in their lifetime, more than 20 million people suffer from depression in a given year and as many as 15% of those who suffer from some form of depression take their lives each year. If one in four suffer depression, I can guess you know or unknowingly know somebody who is suffering from depression. If reading this, I am that one in four for you!

So as you can see, someone suffering from depression, in any form, is very common. 

So is if it is so prevalent, why does it take suicides of celebrities such as Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington or Robin Williams to bring attention, albeit briefly, to the issue?!?!?

If it is so prevalent, what is the stigma that causes  80% of those suffering from depression to refuse to get help?

In addition to my own denial, I was also a victim of that stigma of getting help that existed and left me where I am in my own situation. I am no longer afraid to admit, I am one of four that suffer from depression but I am finally no longer apart of the 80% that do not receive treatment.

Here are some reasons why people, including myself, do not seek help:

1. Fear and shame - Most people realize there is a negative stigma associated with having a mental illness and fear being labeled “mentally ill” or “crazy.” They are concerned about how such a label could negatively impact their career, education, or other life goals.
2. Feelings of inadequacy  - Many people believe they are inadequate or a failure if they have to admit something is “wrong” with their mental health. Further, they believe they “should be able to handle things” on their own without assistance and that they must be weak or inferior to have to ask for help. 
3. Distrust -  It’s difficult to consider revealing personal details to a doctor or counselor. Many express concern about “telling a stranger” about their problems. Additionally, they worry that their personal information won’t be kept confidential.
4. Hopelessness - Some people have become demoralized by their mental health issues and believe “nothing will help me” or “I’ll never get better.” These beliefs can be due to depression or hopelessness, and can be substantial roadblocks to seeking help.

Yes, I know, situations such as Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell and Robin Williams drawn more attention to depression/suicide because of their fame but I think the point people could get most of their situations is this......You just never know! Too often, we are great at masking our demons and looking happy and when asked how we are, we deliver that convincing "I'm Fine" answer.

If you are curious, here are signs to look for if you believe somebody might not be themselves lately:

1. Loss of interest in things that previous brought the person pleasure
2. Sleep difficulty
3. Eating changes - Either too little or too much
4. Anger & Irritability
5. Expressing negative thoughts
6. Suicidal ideas
7. Loss of confidence in oneself 

We will not stop depression but we can stop the stigma of depression so more people are not afraid and get to the point where they see no other option than suicide!

#StopTheStigma #ImFine #Iam1in4

My next tattoo

In Repair (Have To Start Small & Somewhere)

"Too many shadows in my room

  Too many hours in this midnight
  Too many corners in my mind
  So much to do to set my heart right

  Oh, it's taken so long
  I could be wrong, I could be ready
  Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
  I should assume it's still unsteady
  I am in repair"

In Repair -John Mayer

This post came to me as I was sitting on a park bench with Spike!  Yes, he loves to take breaks on our walks and sit on the benches and watch the cars drive by and people walk by (hoping they pet him).

For the most part, I know my post have been very enlightening to some and at the same time a very dark look into my psyche. I have also spent a good amount of time on the importance of not being ashamed to seek help as 1 in 5 people will deal with a mental disorder at some point in their life.

Now, I want to start with some of things (somewhat more positive side of this) I am doing to help me get a better handle on my Persistent Depressive Disorder. These things, I will discuss from time to time, are in addition to my therapy and medication.

First....what to do about the race season?

Recently, I scrapped my entire race season. I threw all my goals and my potential race schedule out the window. Trust me., this was not the easiest decision to make but I know it is the smartest decision. Without rehashing the reason I mentioned in a previous post, I decided a bigger goal than qualifying for Ironman 70.3 World Championships was to get to a point where I can be satisfied with my results.

Now, how do I do that?  Is it possible? We will soon find out.........

My focus for this season is to race when I feel mentally ready (physically ready is rarely an issue). And when I race, I am sticking with more low profile races.

Why lower profile races? When I say lower profile, let's first say, I mean races where a qualifying spot for a major championships is not at stake. These smaller races will allow me to set goals that I have more control over during a race. My goals will be more focused on times versus overall placement. The purpose of is to help myself to learn to focus more on the process of race day versus the outcome of race day, which focusing on the outcome has not been very successful for me. I guess the idea is that if the process goes as planned then I could be satisfied with my result, which oddly enough is what I tell my own athletes. 

The funny thing is...... I have always enjoyed the process leading up to race day. Training has always brought some satisfaction to me and kept me motivated. It has also served as my escapes from reality when reality became to overwhelming.

I believe, my enjoyment of the process is the main reason I find satisfaction in being a coach. There is a distinct satisfaction in coaching others to achieve their goals in triathlons and running, Maybe in some way, while coaching them I could learn a few things at the same time. It is kind of strange when I can be happy when one of my athletes achieve their goals but I can't be satisfied with my results.

So far this season I have raced twice. I mentioned Rev 3 Quassy  Olympic Distance several weeks ago but since I did race the Millheim Sprint Triathlon, which I won for the second year in a row. Did the new focus work? Just a tad and for a short time, so I guess that so that is a start but I was satisfied with the free beer I got as a prize from the Elk Creek Brewery, who sponsors the race.

I am not sure when the next race will be (I have a couple in mind)  but I am going to focus on my coaching and helping others achieve their goals!

And of course......spend a lot of time sitting on benches with Spike!

"I'm in repair
 I'm not together, but I'm getting there"

#StopTheStigma  #ImFineSaveMe

Where Is My Mind?

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
  Try this trick and spin it, yeah
  Your head will collapse
  But there's nothing in it
  And you'll ask yourself
  Where is my mind?"

Where Is My Mind? - The Pixies (Covered by Sunday Girl)

 

A question I have asked myself in the past, but more recently in the past 2-3 days since my parents informed me of some very surprising news on Monday informing me that my cousin, just 3 years younger than myself, had committed suicide. They did not have many details regarding how or why at the time.

Since that call, I have debated whether or not this would be an appropriate post, given the situation, but I figure I have already shared some of my darkest details, so why stop now. I will go into small details but will not name anybody or the circumstances behind the decision made by this person.

The news stunned me as in my eyes my cousin seemed to be living a much happier life than me. At least that was the impression I got the last time I saw him, several years ago, and from hearing random things the few times I decide to be a good family member and visit for a holiday. Yeah, I know, I am a horrible person! 

Not sure why, but my initial thought was guilt. I think this feeling stemmed from the fact that my cousin and I were more alike than I thought and some of the guilt was from being a horrible son, brother, cousin and uncle to everybody. But mostly, I had a feeling of guilt because initially I felt like I could have done something. OK, maybe not done something to prevent this but at least been able able to speak with him. I could have assured him that he is not the only one that is depressed or in therapy. Though in another state, I could have been that person he could reach out to in his moments of darkness. I am not sure if that would be like the blind leading the blind but it is what crossed my mind.

I am not sure where this post is really going as I have had numerous rambling thoughts in my head over the last two days. This is actually my second attempt at writing this. I guess the biggest thing for all to understand is you truly never know what demons that a person might be dealing with deep inside, despite outward appearances. And I get that family and friends will be trying to make sense of this particular situation but I will be brutally honest, only from my own experience in receiving treatment, you will never be able to make sense of it. And the worst part, while probably a correct statement, it won't make anyone feel any better about the situation. 

What can we do?

To be honest....... I really don't know other than trying to be as understanding as possible when somebody does reach out to us if they reach out at all. And quite often a person will reach out in kind of an inconspicuous way so we need to do our best to read these signals. Here are some things to look for in a person who we may feel is in depressed state or maybe even suicidal:

1. Sometimes that reply of I'm fine is a scream for help!
2. General irritability and fatigue
3. Anxiety
4. Excessive drinking or drug use
5. Suicidal thoughts
6. Trouble making decisions
7. General stress
8. Isolating oneself from friends and family

#StopTheStigma

 

Perfection (Impossible Goal) Versus Acceptance (Realistic Goal)

"I'm paralyzed
 I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die
 And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
 But it's still alive
 And it's taking over me where am I?
 I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside
 But I feel nothing, I wonder why
 And on the race of life time passes by"
Paralyzed  - NF 

In my last post, I briefly mentioned my race at Rev 3 Quassy, which I raced two weeks ago. I know, in the past, I used to be quick about race reports but I will admit, adopting Spike did down play the race. 

I know.......that is a shock to many of you as you may have come to believe that I all cared about was competing and beating my competition. And yes, I do care about competing and pushing myself to my limits in training and racing, but something needs to change!

Change? What could that be?

In my months of therapy, I have learned that the thing I enjoy so much, triathlons,  has also been one of the biggest contributors to my depressive state over the years. I really should not single out triathlons as much as I should say....competition.

Over the years, competing in anything has been a double edged sword to me. While I have enjoyed the process of pushing myself to my limits and I have had some very successful results (by standards of others), no race has ever matched up to some crazy expectations of perfection I have put on myself. You did read that correctly..... no race result has ever made me happy, And that includes qualifying for and finishing the Ironman World Championships in Hawaii and winning several triathlons over the past 3 years. 

I have no idea where this desire for perfection ever came from but in my months of therapy, I have learned this desire has cost me many moments of pleasure over the years. Even in the victories the past few years, when people would congratulate me on the overall wins, my first comment would always be about a lack of competition in the race. In my mind, I had already convinced myself that the only way a person my age could win a race would be due to a lack of quality competition. Yes, you read that right, even an overall victory never satisfied my need for competition or made me happy.

So what is next........Damn, I wish I knew.

I have gone back and forth in my own mind on how to handle this race season. I did go into the season thinking my ultimate goal would be to qualify for Ironman 70.3 World Championships since it was back in the US for 2017. But recently, I have begun to think, a better goal might be to get to a point where I am satisfied, mentally, with my results. 

What that means.....I have not really defined that yet!

While to some it might no make sense but for now my race schedule will be a fly by the seat of my pants thing. I will race when I feel mentally ready to handle any result versus when I feel feel physically ready to race. If things work out, I will be ready for a potential Ironman 70.3 WC qualifier but I can't keep beating myself over my results and I can't make it my first priority.

So for now, no official races on my schedule but I have my eye on some low profile races to keep the competitive juices flowing but allowing me to go into these races with no expectations....Just me and the clock! This is the reason I go into the sport in the first place and somehow I  need to find that same passion.

So while I figure out this, my focus will be on coaching my athletes (collegiate and post-collegiate) and stressing to them to appreciate ever opportunity they get to compete! These moments are few and far between and will not always be there. Recently,  I have found that my journey in dealing with my PDD has made me a better coach in regards to understanding my athletes and stressing to them to take advantage of every opportunity that is presented to them and most importantly...... Enjoy Them!

Plus, I need to take time to be a good adoptive parent to Spike! It may sound weird, especially with him being a dog, but in the two weeks I have had him, he has taught me a bit as well! I am so lucky he fell into my life! 

Spike & Me

Hindsight Is 20/20 But If I Could Go Back

"I am not the only traveler
 Who has not repaid his debt
 I've been searching for a trail to follow again
 Take me back to the night we met

 And then I can tell myself
 What the hell I'm supposed to do
 And then I can tell myself
 Not to ride along with you"

The Night We Met - Lord Huron 

I know it has been two weeks since I have posted but it has been an hectic two week, especially last weekend. Last weekend, I competed in my first triathlon of the 2017 season and picked up Spike after the race. More about Spike later.........

If you take the time to read the lyrics, you may wonder what does this song have to do with what I am going through. You are not the only one! My therapist asked the same question last week as she read from my notebook of random thoughts. As I mentioned in one of earliest post, I keep a journal of my thoughts throughout the week and each week typically starts with a lyric that sums up that week. I originally heard this song while watching "13 Reasons Why" and probably had a much different interpretation as most see it as a break-up/love song. My therapist agreed and asked what it meant to me and how did it fit with what I am dealing with........

Obviously, I am the traveler who has not repaid his debt and my therapy is in a way repaying that debt.The therapy has been my way of searching that trail to follow again, maybe a trail that I followed before PDD (Persistent Depressive Disorder). And as you can guess, the PDD is the the thing (not a person) that I met that makes the We.

Having learned a lot about my thought errors, through CBT, for what has probably been decades, I wish I could go back to that moment when PDD truly set into my psyche and speak with my younger miserable self. What would I tell myself:

1. Of course, the first thing I would tell myself is to seek help regardless of the stigma of getting help. 
2. Start learning your thought errors and learning new ways to perceive things that make you suffer from PDD.
3. You are going to accomplish a lot of things in life and if you don't change your thinking now, you will not enjoy any of them. 
4. You are good enough.
5. Everything is not black or white, this is middle ground. 
6. If good things happen to you, you deserve them. 
7. If bad things happen to you, it is not because you deserve it or bad things only happen you. 
8. Don't push away everybody who gets close to you. 
9. You are not better off alone 

As they say, hindsight is 20/20 so the best I can do now is to work hard on my CBT and change my the perspective of my thoughts.

Oh yeah, I mentioned Spike. Spike is my my new bulldog puppy (large puppy) that I adopted last week! Spike just turned 11 months old this past week but he is a big puppy. He just might be the most adorable bulldog with his wrinkles and demeanor! He is so friendly and loves people and other animals. I also believe Spike will do wonders for me as I work my way through the process of getting better and changing my perspectives!

Just Look At Those Wrinkles!!!!

I want To Get Better!

"Out of the blue into the black
  I give you this, but you pay for that
  Once you're gone, you can't never come back
  When you're out of the blue, into the black!"

Hey Hey, My My - Neal Young Cover by The Chromatics

I will be honest....... 

Each week, I can typically come up with 2-3 aspects of my depression to speak about but it does not get easier to do it with each passing post. 

I know at times it might seem like I am comfortable with this but it has been because I have talked about the easy parts so far. I really never discussed the darker side of my depression in the earlier post. But I started to think, if this is going to be truly therapeutic and helpful I would need to get out of my comfort zone and open up to all of you. And, most importantly, if I was going to tackle my recovery in a proper way, I would need to acknowledge how deep I have sunk this time and quite often in the past. 

As I sit here.....I can assure this one is the most uncomfortable post to write as I fear the judgements that people will pass on me because of this. Once again it comes back to the stigma of getting help, a stigma that still does not make sense to me given the stats of depression. 

Maybe I am weak for getting help but I think I am stronger to to get help, where things are private with my therapist, and at the same time stronger for putting these post out for all to read and exposing myself to the stigma. This post is somewhat inspired by my recent therapy session and watching "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix. Check it out...It is an amazing show and maybe because of what I am going through at the time but I watched all 13 episodes of season 1 in an 18 hour stretch.

Here it is....I'm tired of running!

And I don't mean running in regards to my triathlon training, I am referring to running away from my issues and from people who are/were close to me, and that includes my family. All my life, all I have done is run away! Too often, instead of getting help or opening up to people, my answer was to run away and lose myself somewhere far away from people I knew. Sometimes that even meant picking up and moving far away like Baltimore, MD; Wilmington, NC; Las Vegas, NV; West Springfield, MA and now Selinsgrove, PA. 

Where ever I have lived, when my issues got to be too much for me to handle, I only knew one way out......Disappear/Fade Away! Which over the years has made things worse. Until now, I always thought running away would be the answer I was looking for in life and a fresh start would get rid of my issues. As I mentioned in my last post, this running away was my idea of suicide as at least I would stop being a burden to those I left behind. In my mind, I believed if I went somewhere that nobody knew me I could start over........... I know it is not the most reasonable thinking! But if you never reached as low as me, you would not get it! I wanted to live but I could not live somewhere I thought I could not fit in or felt like I was a burden to people.

Do I want to keep running away? 

Fuck no! (Excuse the french!) I am tired of it. I am tired of being miserable, I am tired of shutting people off from my world when they get too close. I am tired of saying I'm fine even though I am not. I'm tired of being socially awkward, OK, that one might be a tougher one to deal with my shyness. Ha ha! 

I'm tired of ruining my life.

And yes, I have ruined my life! So if you happen to be well younger than me, reading this blog and feel as I do, I implore you to seek help now before it is too late!You don't want o end up like me.....miserable and alone.

It might be a little late for me but I can assure I will be doing my best to make the most out of what life I have left! I get it, that sounds depressing (no pun intended) but it is the direction I need to go. I know I have a lot of reconnecting with people, while it won't be easy, I know it has to be done. I have alienated so many people in my lifetime that it is amazing I have any friends or acquaintances at this point or a family that actually will claim me. 

I just know that I can't keep running and I need to tackle this head on! So from here on this blog will will deal with the process of dealing with my Persistent Depressive Disorder and my recovery!

I truly believe I have reached my lowest point. 

No where to go but up!

#StopTheStigma

#13ReasonsWhy 

 

 

I'm Fine ............. (Save Me)

"But it's all right
 When you're caught in pain
 And you feel the rain come down
 It's all right
 When you find you way
 Then you see it disappear
 It's all right

Though your garden's gray
 I know all your graces
 Someday will flower
 In a sweet sunshower"

Sunshower  - Chris Cornell 

Going into this week, I kind of had an idea of the next post for the blog but after hearing the news of Chris Cornell, I knew I needed to go a different direction before I could move on to the more positive post of my learning to deal better with my Persistent Depressive Disorder. 

The unfortunate and sad news of Chris Cornell just shows, regardless how happy or successful a person may appear to you, you never know what inner daemons they are dealing with deep inside. Despite having a song title "My Depression", people were surprised when Bruce Springsteen announced he had dealt with depression. But like a lot of people, most thought, what do they have to depressed about??? They are rich and famous! But does that exclude people from being able to be depressed? Despite outward appearances, nothing excludes anybody from the ability to be depressed or being affected by a mental illness.

Obviously, given all that I have been through and some of the low points I have hit the past few months, the news of Chris Cornell hit very close to me. Now, before you delve into things, I am not suicidal and yes my psychologist asked that as well as we discussed the situation with Chris Cornell. As I explained to my psychologist, the closest I could get to suicide would be to pack on my stuff in my car and disappear for awhile! I still have races to do! So, I am not offended if you did think that initially........but rest assured, I'm Fine!

I'm fine........

For years, that was my response to everybody who ever asked me how I was doing. Regardless of how I was feeling, my answer was always these two words. Whether if it was family or friends asking, the response was the same. A few times, my answer was honest and I was fine. Most of the time it was double edge sword reply. It was the answer to stop people from asking again at the same time it was cry for help. 

Why did I not directly say I needed help or just say I was not fine?

There are several reasons (while they me be stupid reasons):

1. The stigma of asking for help
2. My social anxiety
3. Feeling like a failure
4. I could handle it myself
5. Shame of possibly being clinically depressed

I was part of a very disturbing statistic in the treatment of depression and other mental illness. Depending on the study, it is either 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 people with suffer from a mental illness at some point  in their life. Of that number, well over 50% will not seek or get the help the need. The major reason that is stated for such a disturbing number.....the shame of seeking help especially for depression. I was one of the ones who suffered from the fear of the stigma of getting help!

I am fortunate I was able to get over that shame and finally seek help. It might have been long overdue but I started. For my birthday, 12 days ago, I got new ink to remind myself of my answer for years but also a reminder to not be afraid to ask for help when needed. I found a tattoo online of the words "I'm Fine". It was done in a font that when you flipped it over it would read "Save Me". The way the tattoo faces people, they will read I'm Fine but when I look it, I read Save Me. The picture of it is below and if you have a laptop you can flip it over and read it both ways.

It is a reminder to me to not be afraid to ask for help or to not be afraid to discuss with people what I am going through.It is also a reminder that saving me starts with me. The ability to discuss this with people has become a lot easier the past few weeks especially as people have approached me about my blog and thanked me for doing this. I have even become more comfortable telling people I am seeing a psychologist and Thursday has now become known as "Therapy Thursday"!

 

This post is reminder to all that no matter how happy somebody may appear there could be something seriously bothering them deep down especially if you can see a difference in the person. If somebody seems down to you and they answer I'm Fine...........(they might be) but a few more prying questions could go along way. 

 

#StopTheStigma

 

 

I'm Fine/Save Me

Comfortably Numb (My Lowest Point)

"There is no pain you are receding
 A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
 You are only coming through in waves
 Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
 When I was a child
 I caught a fleeting glimpse
 Out of the corner of my eye
 I turned to look but it was gone
 I cannot put my finger on it now
 The child is grown
 The dream is gone
 I have become comfortably numb"

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

All my life I have had my bouts of being depressed and feeling low but they would pass overtime and I would not feel so miserable, maybe feel more indifferent. But it could have been the culmination of many factors (numerous health issues, personal relationship issues, stress, social anxiety....etc.) but about 2 months ago I probably reached the lowest point I have ever fell to when dealing with one of my depressed episodes...........

Comfortably Numb. 

This lack of feeling lasted for a stretch of 5-6 weeks but in all honesty it scared me at the time. As you read this post, I want you to know.... I hope you never get to this point

Now, I have often been accused of being emotionless but this went beyond this.

What is it like to feel numb?

Basically to me, as things were happening, it was not a matter of having an inappropriate emotional response or feeling to a situation, it was a stretch of literally having no emotional response or feeling to anything. Even when going through this bout, I found it difficult to describe the feeling or lack of feeling to my psychologist. It was almost like being a robot. I was able to function and do everything I needed to during the day but it was void of feeling, good or bad.

Maybe some people could tell, but I was doing my best to fake it and be myself as much as I could around people and at work. I made sure my workouts were completed and my teams got the best coaching I could give them. During this stretch, I made sure every detail for our home indoor track & field meets was handled and the meet would be very efficient. By the end of the day, this going through the motions, left me even more emotionally and mentally drained.

It was as though I could not wait to get home and shut my brain off! This faking through the day was adding to my numbness but it was all I could do to get through the day. At this time, nobody knew I was seeing a psychologist and the blog did not exist, so this hiding this secret was wearing on me as much as the diagnosis.

So each day during this stretch, I would go home and sit on my couch and decompress. This decompression or escape took on many forms:

1. Watching television 
2. Listening to music 
3. Both watching television and listening to music
4. Having a beer 
5. Mustering enough energy to make dinner 
6. Trying to not fall asleep on the couch (many failures on that)
7. Trying to figure out why I am so miserable buy yet not feel anything

Thankfully, this state of feeling numb has passed. I can honestly tell you that getting to that point was pretty scary as it began to make me wonder if I would be possible of an emotional response ever again. 

Things are better and moving in the right direction again. Obviously, my psychologist was a very big reason in turning this stretch around. I believe being honest with people about my diagnosis with PDD and the blog are helping me to feel better about myself. I can say I feel a bit more relaxed knowing that people know and I am no longer hiding my depression. It has also helped that everybody has been so supportive through all of this. In some way, all of you helped me through this low point. 

I have a feeling that majority of post from this point will be more on the positive side.

#StopTheStigma

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

"Any minute now, my ship is coming in
 I'll keep checking the horizon
 I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
 Come crashing down, down, down, on me
 And you say, be still my love
 Open up your heart
 Let the light shine in
 But don't you understand
 I already have a plan
 I'm waiting for my real life to begin"
Waiting For My Real Life To Begin - Colin Hay

Getting near the of the month and my phone rings...........

I recognize the number...... ***374-2764......Ugh....WTF!!!!!

I let it go to voicemail. Not because I don't want to talk the person as I already know it is a recording! 

OK...you probably caught me on that one, there is a good chance (depending on my mood) I would have just let it go to voicemail and avoided any potential "real" person on the other end!

But this phone call is regarding my automatic fill of my prescription for Lexapro.

There, it is out to all.....as part of my diagnosis of P.D.D., I am currently medicated for it.. 

Lexapro (escitalopram) is an antidepressant belonging to a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). The way escitalopram works is still not fully understood. It is thought to positively affect communication between nerve cells in the central nervous system and/or restore chemical balance in the brain.

Even though, I have come to believe the medication is helping me but unfortunately, in my mind,  I have not fully accepted the fact that I reached the point where I needed to be medicated. I think this is because of the stigma and to me it shows an extreme sign of weakness in dealing with the diagnosis. If I do mention my medication to those close to me, it is always in a joking or sarcastic manner making it out to be no big deal.

I did not start on medication immediately when I started working with my therapist (psychologist). She mentioned it could be a possibility but wanted to try CBT and get to more know about me and where I was mentally.  I felt good about that decision as I felt, probably like most, that I could beat this without help of medications as only those truly depressed (I did not believe I was that bad at the time) resort to medication.......

How bad could I be? 

Hell, I am supposed to the strong coach for 80+ athletes each year......Nothing is supposed to phase me. I am the one who is supposed to be the rock and voice of reason for the young impressionable student athletes. If I show a weakness what will that do for them?

Who was I kidding?

Well.......that lasted four months. Little did I truly realize how far I had sunk in my depression this time or better, how much did not want to realize how far I have fallen. Not knowing I was P.D.D officially all these years, I have dealt with my miserableness for years but never let it get as bad as this. Don't get me wrong, the CBT was helping and I was recognizing issues and the errant ways of my thinking but I was just at such a low that I needed help in being able to break my current train of thought patterns. 

My therapist, being a psychologist and not being able to prescribe drugs, she scheduled an appointment for me to meet with a psychiatrist she works with in early December to see if that medication would be the proper way to proceed at this time. 

Going into the appointment, I was hopeful and nervous at the same time. I was still hopeful that I could beat this without medication and he would feel the same, but nervous because I knew I was fooling myself and I was starting to realize I had hit an all time low. I guess in some ways I was mad at myself for letting myself get to this point and not being able to help myself without the help of a drug. I was also nervous because now I had to expose a lot of my issues and insecurities to yet another person......and this is not easy for me and I hate it! 

Well.......after a nice discussion and review of my psychologist's notes, he agreed that Lexapro would be a good option and hopefully a temporary option! He reiterated that as low I have sunk that this will help my mind accept CBT more and move me in the right direction of getting better.....whatever getting better means...... Indifferent or maybe even happy?At that point, I would take indifferent over being miserable!

I do realize as I move through this CBT process and wrap my mind around the process, I will be able to ween on off the Lexapro and handle my diagnosis on my own. But for now, I am on a daily does of 10 milligrams of Lexapro. 

Is it working? 

I believe so as it has made me more receptive to CBT but now I am dealing with a lifetime of thinking errors that make it tough to change the way I perceive things........

But that is yet another post........I do have to keep this blog going! 

#StopTheStigma

Thinking In Absolutes

"I am covered in skin
 No one gets to come in
 Pull me out from inside
 I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
 I am colorblind
 Coffee black and egg white
 Pull me out from inside
 I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
 I am fine"

Colorblind - Counting Crows

I was not sure where to go with this week's post but then I heard this song and I was reminded of something that my therapist and I discuss quite often...... (Never thought I would be comfortable to share what was discussed in my therapy sessions each week)

The way my mind works or better yet,  the confines in which my mind seems to work.......

Thinking in only absolutes or simply thinking in black or white. Most of the time it is either one end of the spectrum or the other and never any grey areas. 

Sometimes called Splitting, in psychology it is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism used by many people. The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground).

This is a common theme in my therapy sessions. Unfortunately, too often my thinking goes more towards the negative extreme side of things. I am not sure where this started in my life or what caused most unnecessary pressure or expectations I put on myself.

This way of thinking has effected so many aspects of my life and in some ways fulfilled my negative prophecies of myself. Worst off, this thinking has added to my depression over the years while also preventing me from seeking help and causing me to alienate people in my life.

Here are some common black or white thinking errors of the years that have possibly led to my depression or in some way made me the miserable person I was for the longest time and  yes I know some of these will seem very depressing and I am working on the way I perceive things but in my mind being able to share this is a major step in the right direction. (Please understand these are just the thoughts in my head and nobody did anything to cause these thoughts in my warped brain)

1. Only one in immediate family that has been divorced and has no children.......feel like a failure to them and societal expectations. Unfortunately, this has caused me to alienate them and be a bad son, brother, Godfather and uncle.
2. Won my first triathlon at age 44 and belittled it by saying the competition was weak and I was not challenged. I have won two more races since then and had the same exact thoughts. I could not be happy with winning the race,
3. Many failed relationships & almost everybody I know is married and with children....... Maybe at age 47, soon to be 48, maybe I am just meant to be alone. This has caused me to shun people who have attempted and prevent them from getting to close. If I don"t let people close enough then there is less of a chance of rejection and adding to my thoughts of being better off alone. Unfortunately, this has led to many of those failed relationships. 
4. Even if a race result is good, by other people's standards, if I can find even the tiniest flaw in a race, the race is a bad race.This has led me to delve deeper into my raining and pushing me harder and thus shutting me off from people.
5. At the time, seeking help for my depression made me feel as failure as person. I hid my going to see a psychologist for 6 months before I felt comfortable enough to let it out. Even still, I have trouble facing some people, especially family, that I am in therapy.
6. Soon after, and a topic of another blog, having to be medicated for my depression made me feel like a bigger failure! 
7. Probably the biggest thinking error of black and white thinking....... I have been depressed for so long that I started to believe I am just a miserable person and that is who I am just am and will always be. 

I understand this thinking did not start for me overnight and it will take some time to get over this way of thinking. Hell, it has been been 30+ years of thinking this way that is ingrained in my head  and it will take a lot of practice to change some of it.

I am am hopeful that I will soon be able to find some middle ground in the way I think!

#stopthestigma

#imfine

 

A Remedy Is What I'm Seeking

"Lately I've been feeling low
  A remedy is what I'm seeking
  I take a taste of what's below
  Come away to something better
  What I want is what I've not got
  And what I need
  Is all around me
  Reaching searching never stop
  And I'll say..."

Jimi Thing - Dave Matthews Band 

A remedy or what I call breaks from reality to help me get through this............

My remedy comes in multiple parts but this post will deal with the one remedy that has defined me to others over the years......

This remedy, training for multi-sport competitions, has been a constant in my life for decades and for better or worse has defined me in good and bad ways.........
 
Good - Motivated, Accomplished, Fit
Bad - Anti-social, Rigid, Crazy, Loner, Selfish, Boring, Withdrawn, Arrogant, Abnormal, Freak
(Surprisingly,I came up with more negatives than positives - This addition written in my best sarcastic font!)

For the better part of the past 25+ years, I have been training for multi-sport events whether it was triathlons, duathlons, running, bicycle road racing and then a return to triathlons 5 years ago.

In dealing with my PDD now, I can see why at that time, delving into the multi-sport world would be perfect for me but I did not realize, at that time, it was a remedy as I see it now. Prior to therapy, selfishly, it was the perfect remedy as it afforded me hours of alone time when I was overwhelmed, feeling anxious or depressed.

As I look back over the past 25+ years of training, I would say the 90% of my training has been solo which probably led more people to think I was even more anti-social than I was truly was. But this alone time, while not always aware of it, was very therapeutic as well as productive in helping me achieve my goals in my races.

In hindsight, because of not seeking help for my PDD sooner, I let my training become my sole remedy and it caused a lot of friction in my life. But because it was my only outlet/escape, for what it is worth, it lead me to be rigid, anti-social, withdrawn and alone....

I knew no other way to remedy how I was feeling.....

Moving forward, in combination with my therapy and my notebook of random thoughts, training for races will continue to a remedy for me! I still have a lot of unaccomplished goals but at least, with therapy, I will be able to enjoy them! And when life gets overwhelming, that escape from reality while running, swimming or bicycling is always a perfect time to collect my thoughts, clear my mind or just be ALONE! But at least now, it won't be my only remedy.

Upcoming Races
June 3rd - Rev 3 Quassy Olympic Distance
June 11th - Ironman Eagleman 70.3
August 13th - Rev 3 Pocono Half Ironman - Mid-Atlantic Long Course Regional Championships
* the rest of the season TBA

#StopTheStigma

In my element!

For The Most Part, A Positive Post (Thank You)

"Shell smashed, juices flowing
 Wings twitch, legs are going
 Don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel
 One day, I am gonna grow wings
 A chemical reaction"

Let Down  - Radiohead

I am sick of being miserable......

I  still hate the way I feel..........

But at least, I am finally comfortable to talk with people about what I am going through as strange as that may sound...... 

I truly never thought I would get to that the last comment. Maybe that is the beer talking... Ha ha! Just kidding...It is only my first beer!

This post is written as a thank you to all those who have read my blog and showed a tremendous amount of support with each passing post. Like many who feel like I do, we feel as though we are the only ones who feel this way and alone in this battle. Despite what statistics might show about depression, those who feel like I do always feel as though we are not normal and there must be something wrong with ourselves. And to make it worse, we feel  if we should seek out help, there is a stigma about reaching out for help and makes us look weak. Well, the one thing I have learned, at least with all the people I know, the support has been tremendous and therapeutic! 

Thank you!

1. Obviously my family was very supportive from the moment I messaged them. I will be honest, they are probably the group I have most alienated over the years and owe a lot too as their support never wavered. At least they now know why I was the way I was, still no excuse though.
2. My teams have been great through this since I told them. They were the second group to know after my family. In some ways they are my second family as I have so many dealings with them everyday and maybe the closest I will get to my own kids...ha ha!!!! (I still jokingly blame them over the years for the way I am...Ha ha!) Throughout all of my crazy medical/mental issues over the past 7-8 years, there has been one constant ...incredible well rounded athletes to work with who always had my back and made life easier at times! 
3. The group I get to work with everyday or in the past at Susquehanna University and "the Crew" of officials, who have been putting up with me for 14 years, have also made this easy as well! They all have been amazing. While many times I have felt alone throughout this, they made realize I am not alone in this and they were there to support me. Several have stopped by the office but nearly all have expressed their support in passing conversations. 
4. Of course, my friends, both old and new, have been so understanding and supportive. The number of offers I received about being there if I ever need to just talk or vent was overwhelming.  I appreciate every single offer!
5. I am still amazed by the number of views my blog has actually had over the past 4 weeks including the number of comments on some of the post. It might be a small audience but maybe my message is resonating with them and maybe helping me to realize I am not alone in this!

Because of this support, something happened this Thursday that I truly thought would not happen.......

I understand that everybody knows through the blog that I am seeing a psychologist but it was the first time I admitted to people where I was going and did not feel embarrassed. Most of the time I always looked for the right moment to sneak out of office my with notebook of random thoughts. And every time I returned to campus, I left the notebook in the car so nobody would see me walking in with it. 

Another sign of coming to terms with my Persistent Depressive Disorder or at least being able to let people know of dealings with it was posting a picture of my Random Thoughts notebook on Instagram. Obviously, even though it was a picture of a page with thoughts written, one could not read what I had written. Not quite ready to let that much out just yet! During the week, I will jot down my random thoughts on whatever paper or notepad is available at the moment. Every Thursday morning, I sit down in the office and collect those thoughts into my notebook and bring it to my session with my psychologist. 

By no means, do I think this coming to terms with my PDD and being able to talk about it publicly that I have been "cured" and I will be the happiest person you have ever met. Trust me, I know if I started acting that way it may worry a lot of you...Ha ha! I am positive though, that this step will be a huge positive as I move in the direction of better handling my PDD. It will also be the biggest positive for me to get over the stigma.......a stigma that maybe I put more on myself and seeing the support all of you have shown!

#StopTheStigma

The infamous notebook of Random Thoughts