Where Is The Real Me?

"I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it
 I'm at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is
 I'm in a box
 But I’m the one who locked me in
 Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen"

Paralyzed - NF

Pretty much describes how my mind works!

Five weeks since last post......Unfortunately, despite the break between post, it does not mean I am cured. Still dealing with PDD, in therapy and medicated! 

It has just been a hectic five weeks of travel, running camp and preseason for my cross country teams. I just have had not time to sit down and collect my thoughts and translate them into a single post till now. And given the messed up way my mind works, there are so many thoughts to go through since my last post and it has made it tough to pen this post. Thankfully, I still had my therapy sessions to keep me on an even keel.

To start, here are my travels/happenings over the past 37 days

1. Lake Placid, NY - triathlon training trip with 12 others/one house for 4 days
2. Grand Junction, CO - quick trip of two days and what felt like endless time in airports
3. Canadensis, PA - working RunningWorks Running Camp for 7 days
4. Selinsgrove, PA - home for preseason for my XC teams 

What in the world could be so bad with those five weeks? On paper, to most people I know......nothing! It sounds like the perfect 4-5 week stretch for a triathlete or cross country coach.

But to somebody like me.....dealing with PDD and social anxiety - double whammy , it was a veritable roller coaster ride of emotions, often dark emotions. Thankfully, through therapy and medication, I am in better spot than I was 4 months ago to handle (use the term handle mildly) these situations. 

Now, what you are about to read are my perceptions (due to my warped mind) and I know nobody thinks these things (at least I hope not) so you should apologize or feel guilty. Upfront, I have to thank everybody as all of you have been so understanding and supportive and made it easy for me to be so open about this. 

Here are the two major things that occupied my mind the past five weeks and have been the majority of discussion in my therapy sessions:

1.  The most powerful emotion I dealt with over this stretch was the sense of loneliness that I felt while in the airports on my travels to Grand Junction. Maybe it just the way airports and traveling alone can make one feel, but I never felt more alone or that I was destined to be alone than those few days. Could it have been the walking from gate to gate just observing blank faces without any real human interaction or observing others who seem to be interacting with others while I had nobody, other than some texts? Eerily, it was as though I did not exist and I was just wandering aimlessly lost among the crowd. This wandering the airports aimlessly and waiting on flights did lend itself to a lot of thinking and contemplating about......how did I get so screwed up? Why can't I stop thinking this way? Medicated or not, this ruminating was just killing me. Though many people might want me to believe or even tell me, it is not something I can just turn off or get over. I wish it was that easy! If it was, this blog would not be needed.
2. The second feeling I dealt with during these five weeks was a sense of not fitting in or having anything to offer a group or even worse, being alone yet in a group of people I know. Even more so than the sense of loneliness that the airport seem to bring out, this one is all on me, as the groups in Placid and RunningWorks are people who I enjoy being around and have been the most supportive. In a  lot of ways, I actually have been most open about my dealings with PDD with these groups yet my anxiety still takes over and my wall goes up. And what a wall I can build! Thankfully, with therapy, I have been able to appear from behind the wall from time to time but in my head it seems fake and emotionally draining when I get back behind the wall. So sometimes, it is just easier to sit back and take it all in and offer something when asked and hopefully not appeared to awkward to everybody else. Unfortunately, to often when given the opportunity, my replies are a few short words as I feel I really don't have much to offer or the person asking will lose interest quickly in my response. 

Damned if do, damned if don't! As much as I hate feeling alone or isolated, the idea of putting myself out there can be even more stressful. I wish I could truly explain this sensation to people. I do try to put myself out there more, especially since starting therapy, but too often it is just to easy to hide behind my wall and fulfill my own prophecies of I am better off alone.

I know I am on the path to being better,as four months ago I could not have spoken this openly about this. Therapy and medication is working but the real key to getting better, for me at least, is putting this out there for all to read. I can honestly say I have moved well beyond the stigma and hopefully we all can which may help so many more in the long run.

#stopthestigma #iam1in4