A Therapy Session - A Disturbing But Truthful Look Into The Inner Workings Of My Mind ((Scary!!!!)

"I don't know what's worth fighting for
 Or why I have to scream
 But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean
 I don't know how I got this way
 I'll never be alright
 So I'm breaking the habit"

Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park 

Not sure if this is best the idea but after my session today with my psychologist, I kind of thought that maybe an in depth look into one of my sessions would give people an idea how warped my mind has been for decades. 

In my state of mind after last night, the lyric above resonated with me and for a brief moment gave me the true purpose of my blog and my notebook of random thoughts.The purpose which came to mind last night could have been influenced by the beer or two which I had or could have been me justifying my depression and that maybe despite being in therapy, I am just destined to be this way......miserable!

Where is this post going???? Hell if I know half the time!!! Ha ha!!! I should stop having these beers!!! Ha ha!!

But for some reason on my drive home from the therapy session today, I thought a detailed look into one of my sessions might be a good post! (or not) 

Each week, my entry into my notebook of random thoughts starts with a lyric and the lyric above was the choice for this week. And the start of the session each week, my psychologist ask why this lyric. For reasons not to be explained yet, happenings of the night before brought me to the epiphany of why I need to blog.........

The reason......To keep others from making the same mistakes as me and being as screwed up as I am! I was making myself the martyr for all those screwed up, as I perceived myself beyond help but at least having the clarity to express myself to help others to not the same mistakes as I did.I joked that people would pay homage to me and erect monuments to me as I prevented all misery on life and all would be happy except me!

As frustrating as I can be to almost everybody, in her professional manner, she asked if I really believed this. In all honesty, I explained to her after the previous evening, I am about 50/50 on this one. And trust me, my psychologist should get hazard pay for dealing with me as I know I am not the easiest person to deal with but she humors me when I make statements like this. She then brings me back to reality but and we go into my CBT questions and we figure out how absurd these statements are! 

But then I explained to her that my notebook of random thoughts would make for a great story line and movie that will prevent others from being as screwed up as me! I explained, I picture the movie as something similar to "The Shawshank Redemption" and Morgan Freeman narrating my thoughts. Think about.........How cool would that be????? And after everybody sees this epic film, the world would be filled with happy people because they would see the errors in my ways and not make the same mistakes I did. Imagine that a world of happy  people because one person (myself) is left to make mistakes so others can be happy! 

Before you think how sad that sounds, I will be honest with you.......most people who feel the way I feel at times, we believe we are all alone and the only one who feels the way we do at the time. We often feel like the martyr and the world is against us. We feel as there is no helping us and all is lost. 

As much as I perceive in my own mind, that people think of me as just a miserable person, am I happy with that perception????? 

Believe it or not...... I am not! While at times, I even believe that my miserableness is what defines me, I am not happy about it. Who really wants to be miserable or perceived as a miserable person? Trust me, if you seen how much I have screwed up my life over the past three decades....... you would want anything other than being like me.......

So if you are much younger than me and reading this........make changes now before Morgan Freeman is narrating your memoirs! 

At the same time....not giving up hope here!!! 

#stopthestigma #iam1infour #dontbelikeme