Indifferent & Moving Forward

"I prayed
  But that's never worked
  Why would it now?
  Lifted my arms out and tenderly whispered
  “I've lost my way somehow”
  Take, take these eyes
  And all I was and my disguise
  And lay them out, on the beach
  ' Cause I won't need them now them
  To see inside"
Augustines - "Walkabout"

It has been 12 days since I  took a step away from coaching and some people may actually be curious how I am doing and what I have been doing to better myself in this stretch. To the first part, I am the most relaxed and indifferent than I have been in years!

Indifferent??

I use that term as I am not sure what it is like to be happy, as I never allowed myself the feeling but have experienced more misery in most people's opinions. As I have discussed often with my psychologist, I will take indifferent over miserable At this juncture, happiness is a long way off and distant goal.

I continue to receive emails and text from so many people, current athletes, athletes and opposing coaches, and I want all of you to know I appreciate the kind words and can never thank you enough. Your words remind me that I did things the right and will always cherish those personal  relationships even more than the championships we won in my tenure as coach at SU.

As for what I have I been up to? You have to remember I live in Selinsgrove so not too much but here goes.........

Obviously, the training for Ironman Lake Placid is the biggest part of my daily routine right now with this much free time. And I may add, well deserved free time after the last 15 years!!!  But training for such a race is one of the things that makes me the most indifferent. Probably the biggest thing in my life that makes me the most indifferent is Spike. If you read my blog before, you know Spike is my bulldog that I was lucky enough to adopt after a amazing gift from my athletes, present and former. When I took a step back, I initially dubbed this as the Summer of Spike. So Spike and I will will take one or two walks a day and just relax downtown on bench and watch the world pass by!

On the first few days of this break, I did binge watch all 13 episodes of season two of "13 Reasons Why". I know, pathetic, but both seasons presented such powerful messages. Check it out on Netflix!

Now, don't worry, the job search and career development  continues in earnest while at the same time I am not rushing into anything too soon. At this point, my net step cannot be something that leads me to the same draining feeling I have had the last few years. Even I know, I can't live this pro-triathlete lifestyle forever!

So for now, at some point during each day, I take 2-3 hours where I focus on my career and where I want to take my next step. During this 2-3 hours, I apply to open positions, gather knowledge in my fields reading the most recent research and working on ways to better my own personal triathlon coaching business. I am also lucky enough that I have developed a lot of great profession relationships that people have offered to help in my search.

As I explore my future career options, I am definitely putting my mental health first as I never want to get to the point I reached in my most recent coaching position. I get that no job is perfect but at least I have a definite list of things that I am looking for and not looking for.

Going into this week,  I do have several phone interviews coming up and several irons in the fire at the collegiate level as people have reached out on my behalf to search committees. I will keep all informed of progress. I also want my former athletes to know, that any position I take may not be a better coaching position as it can't get much better than what I had, but mentally for myself it is a better position!

I do know that in several weeks to a month I will be coaching at some level full time but for now I am going to enjoy this time to get to better know myself, better take care of myself and improve myself professionally for the better.

So for now........Summer of Spike, Ironman Lake Placid training and taking care of myself!

#StopTheStigma #Iam1in4 #NationalMentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Finally Doing Something That Might Be Good For Me

"Forgive me I can't speak straight
 Forgive me I can't
 Forgive me it's far too late

 Choke down the gateway drug
 Opened the gates, in came the flood, it comes
 Like a blush of love, it hits me without warning
 Long nights of getting lost
 I walk beneath the bridge I don't know
 I need black suit for tomorrow, I'm in mourning"

I Wish I was Sober - Frightened Rabbit 

Well, after 7 months I am back and blogging! Unfortunately, the break from blogging did not mean I cured myself of my depression..........that is never going to happen. Now, I am still working hard on understanding my depression and changing my thought patterns......So I am still in therapy and on Lexapro. 

I guess one of the reasons I stopped blogging for a bit somewhat makes me a hypocrite on why I started the blog about my battle with depression. I stopped blogging for fear that a potential employer might find my blog which went against the entire point of stop the stigma.

Why did I get concerned?

Since the sport of triathlon was named as a NCAA emerging  sport, I think most people know that would be a dream job for me. So as institutions added triathlons, I applied for each open position. Well, in filling out an application for one job, it asked you to list any handicaps you might have........And low an behold, depression is listed as a handicap. WTF?!?!?!!? 

And you wonder why people don't want to talk about mental health issues. But concerned about missing out on a potential dream job of coaching triathlons at the collegiate level, I took a break. And fr all those that read the blog, I apologize and I did feel a sense  of guilt for stopping. At the same time I felt very angry about the connotation that depression was a handicap and it was the topic of several of my therapy sessions. 

If you are unaware, the month of May is National Mental Health Awareness Month, so what better time to start blogging. And given a recent decision, I have some time for myself and to blog/ 

On Tuesday, May 15, 2018, I stepped down as Head Cross Country/Track & Field Coach for the men and women's programs after leading all six teams (cross country, indoor and outdoor track & field)  for 13 years. It was a job that I gave all I could and cost me so much in return. Over those 15 total years, I gained so many amazing relationships with the athletes I coached, the alumni of the programs and the coaches in the department and I will always cherish those relationships. But at the same time, an email I wrote to the team, I realized how much I have given up, missed or lost in my life over the last 15 years. 

It was not the easiest decision but it was something that my psychologist and I have spoken about in several sessions. There are so many reasons to stay, the biggest being the athletes, but how much longer could I continue to put myself through what I was putting myself through. It was not the easiest decision either with no other job in line yet, but I knew it was time for a change. 

I have to say that the response from the current team and alumni was amazing. In reading their emails and messages, the reassured me that I did things the right way and the understood why I got to this point. 

So for now, I made a decision to take some time for myself and my bulldog, Spike. I have termed this summer as the "Summer of Spike". I have not had any time for myself in 15 years and for the first time in my life, I feel I am doing something that is right for me. 

Some people thought I was being a bit rash but the following morning after the decision assured me I did the right thing.........

For the first time in 8 months, I woke up and instantly jumped out of bed at the sound of my alarm! 

Now, I will be in coaching in some form very soon, in a very scaled backed version, but for now.......

The Summer of Spike and back to blogging explaining how I got to this decision! 

The blog;s music choice is for Scott Hutchison who recently gave into his battles with depression. He was such an amazing song writer for the band Frightened Rabbit. 

#StopTheStigma #MationalMentalHealthAwarenessMonth #ImFineSaveMe