Indifferent & Moving Forward

"I prayed
  But that's never worked
  Why would it now?
  Lifted my arms out and tenderly whispered
  “I've lost my way somehow”
  Take, take these eyes
  And all I was and my disguise
  And lay them out, on the beach
  ' Cause I won't need them now them
  To see inside"
Augustines - "Walkabout"

It has been 12 days since I  took a step away from coaching and some people may actually be curious how I am doing and what I have been doing to better myself in this stretch. To the first part, I am the most relaxed and indifferent than I have been in years!

Indifferent??

I use that term as I am not sure what it is like to be happy, as I never allowed myself the feeling but have experienced more misery in most people's opinions. As I have discussed often with my psychologist, I will take indifferent over miserable At this juncture, happiness is a long way off and distant goal.

I continue to receive emails and text from so many people, current athletes, athletes and opposing coaches, and I want all of you to know I appreciate the kind words and can never thank you enough. Your words remind me that I did things the right and will always cherish those personal  relationships even more than the championships we won in my tenure as coach at SU.

As for what I have I been up to? You have to remember I live in Selinsgrove so not too much but here goes.........

Obviously, the training for Ironman Lake Placid is the biggest part of my daily routine right now with this much free time. And I may add, well deserved free time after the last 15 years!!!  But training for such a race is one of the things that makes me the most indifferent. Probably the biggest thing in my life that makes me the most indifferent is Spike. If you read my blog before, you know Spike is my bulldog that I was lucky enough to adopt after a amazing gift from my athletes, present and former. When I took a step back, I initially dubbed this as the Summer of Spike. So Spike and I will will take one or two walks a day and just relax downtown on bench and watch the world pass by!

On the first few days of this break, I did binge watch all 13 episodes of season two of "13 Reasons Why". I know, pathetic, but both seasons presented such powerful messages. Check it out on Netflix!

Now, don't worry, the job search and career development  continues in earnest while at the same time I am not rushing into anything too soon. At this point, my net step cannot be something that leads me to the same draining feeling I have had the last few years. Even I know, I can't live this pro-triathlete lifestyle forever!

So for now, at some point during each day, I take 2-3 hours where I focus on my career and where I want to take my next step. During this 2-3 hours, I apply to open positions, gather knowledge in my fields reading the most recent research and working on ways to better my own personal triathlon coaching business. I am also lucky enough that I have developed a lot of great profession relationships that people have offered to help in my search.

As I explore my future career options, I am definitely putting my mental health first as I never want to get to the point I reached in my most recent coaching position. I get that no job is perfect but at least I have a definite list of things that I am looking for and not looking for.

Going into this week,  I do have several phone interviews coming up and several irons in the fire at the collegiate level as people have reached out on my behalf to search committees. I will keep all informed of progress. I also want my former athletes to know, that any position I take may not be a better coaching position as it can't get much better than what I had, but mentally for myself it is a better position!

I do know that in several weeks to a month I will be coaching at some level full time but for now I am going to enjoy this time to get to better know myself, better take care of myself and improve myself professionally for the better.

So for now........Summer of Spike, Ironman Lake Placid training and taking care of myself!

#StopTheStigma #Iam1in4 #NationalMentalHealthAwarenessMonth