Finally Doing Something That Might Be Good For Me

"Forgive me I can't speak straight
 Forgive me I can't
 Forgive me it's far too late

 Choke down the gateway drug
 Opened the gates, in came the flood, it comes
 Like a blush of love, it hits me without warning
 Long nights of getting lost
 I walk beneath the bridge I don't know
 I need black suit for tomorrow, I'm in mourning"

I Wish I was Sober - Frightened Rabbit 

Well, after 7 months I am back and blogging! Unfortunately, the break from blogging did not mean I cured myself of my depression..........that is never going to happen. Now, I am still working hard on understanding my depression and changing my thought patterns......So I am still in therapy and on Lexapro. 

I guess one of the reasons I stopped blogging for a bit somewhat makes me a hypocrite on why I started the blog about my battle with depression. I stopped blogging for fear that a potential employer might find my blog which went against the entire point of stop the stigma.

Why did I get concerned?

Since the sport of triathlon was named as a NCAA emerging  sport, I think most people know that would be a dream job for me. So as institutions added triathlons, I applied for each open position. Well, in filling out an application for one job, it asked you to list any handicaps you might have........And low an behold, depression is listed as a handicap. WTF?!?!?!!? 

And you wonder why people don't want to talk about mental health issues. But concerned about missing out on a potential dream job of coaching triathlons at the collegiate level, I took a break. And fr all those that read the blog, I apologize and I did feel a sense  of guilt for stopping. At the same time I felt very angry about the connotation that depression was a handicap and it was the topic of several of my therapy sessions. 

If you are unaware, the month of May is National Mental Health Awareness Month, so what better time to start blogging. And given a recent decision, I have some time for myself and to blog/ 

On Tuesday, May 15, 2018, I stepped down as Head Cross Country/Track & Field Coach for the men and women's programs after leading all six teams (cross country, indoor and outdoor track & field)  for 13 years. It was a job that I gave all I could and cost me so much in return. Over those 15 total years, I gained so many amazing relationships with the athletes I coached, the alumni of the programs and the coaches in the department and I will always cherish those relationships. But at the same time, an email I wrote to the team, I realized how much I have given up, missed or lost in my life over the last 15 years. 

It was not the easiest decision but it was something that my psychologist and I have spoken about in several sessions. There are so many reasons to stay, the biggest being the athletes, but how much longer could I continue to put myself through what I was putting myself through. It was not the easiest decision either with no other job in line yet, but I knew it was time for a change. 

I have to say that the response from the current team and alumni was amazing. In reading their emails and messages, the reassured me that I did things the right way and the understood why I got to this point. 

So for now, I made a decision to take some time for myself and my bulldog, Spike. I have termed this summer as the "Summer of Spike". I have not had any time for myself in 15 years and for the first time in my life, I feel I am doing something that is right for me. 

Some people thought I was being a bit rash but the following morning after the decision assured me I did the right thing.........

For the first time in 8 months, I woke up and instantly jumped out of bed at the sound of my alarm! 

Now, I will be in coaching in some form very soon, in a very scaled backed version, but for now.......

The Summer of Spike and back to blogging explaining how I got to this decision! 

The blog;s music choice is for Scott Hutchison who recently gave into his battles with depression. He was such an amazing song writer for the band Frightened Rabbit. 

#StopTheStigma #MationalMentalHealthAwarenessMonth #ImFineSaveMe