I Know By Now You Think I Should Have Straightened Myself Out

"I'm doing very well 

 I can block out the present and the past now 

 I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out 

 Thank you, drop dead 

 Something is squeezing my skull 

 Something I can barely describe"

Something Is Squeezing My Skull - Morrissey 

I had two motivations for the idea of this blog post, or at least the song selection!

1. Morrissey @ The Fillmore, December 4
2. My latest appointment with my therapist 

To the first.....I recently purchased tickets to see Morrissey, which will be the 2nd time I will see him in concert in just over a year. Maybe, it was the dealing with my Persistent Depressive Disorder all those years but his song lyrics have resonated with me very deeply over my life. Though at that time I had no idea why I was always miserable, thankfully not as miserable as Morrissey.... I think, I hope!

The second motivation was a recent discussion I had with my therapist during my last "Therapy Thursday" session. Here is yet another peak into the demented workings of my mind, considered yourself warned.

As we were going over my notebook of Random Thoughts for the week, I had a list under the comment, " I am trying but sometimes but it gets tiresome writing the same things each week." The trying part was to say I am not letting PDD beat me at the same time it is hard to continually feel the same way. The first comment among the list of 9 was "Not An Act." Of the nine, this was the one that stood out to her and she instantly asked what I meant by that. I had to think for a minute, as I wanted to explain it clearly, but here is what I explained to her in the warped workings of my mind......

1. I tried to explain that between the blog and my notebook, I sometimes think people assume I am playing into the diagnosis of Persistent Depression Disorder to keep the "stick" going. It is as being miserable and aloof is what I want to be and be known for but yet it is what I am known for. At the same time, I expressed to her that in another part of my mind, I know people are not thinking that but that part of my mind rarely wins. I told her it is tiresome because who wants or chooses to be this way. Who really wants to be this miserable? Who wants to be on medications? Who wants to be in therapy every week? Who wants to alienate everybody in their life?
2. I also explained that maybe because of my sarcasm, that some people may get uncomfortable when I joke in my typical fashion about the diagnosis, being in therapy or being on medications. I sometimes get the impression that some people can't get how one can be so depressed if they can joke about it openly. Unfortunately, because of my social anxieties, it is the only way I know how to deal with it. I am not trying to make light of my situation but in my mind it makes it easier for me to talk about it with others.
3. I explained to her I have had people, not understanding how deep my depression runs, explain to me that everybody has felt the same way as I do from time to time.  I don't say it out loud to them but in the back of mind I once again think .....Why would anybody choose to be as miserable as I am? Do they think I enjoy this? Or did they think that being in therapy would be instant cure? I just realize they just don't understand at the same time I will add that 99% of the people i know have been very supportive and understanding!

Someday, I will go over the other 8 statements listed along with "Not An Act" but that will take more of a flow chart as in some way they are all interconnected. My therapist thinks that it would make a great blog post because of the intricacies of each statement though it could also get very confusing. Confusing you ask....you have to remember who's mind you are working with here! At the same time, I have to leave some topics for the blog to continue! Ha ha!

#stopthestigma #iam1in4 #imfine

Sitting Waiting For Therapy Session