"Say you wish you could find some way to help
Not be so hard on myself
So why is it so east for everyone else?
I'm not always like this
There's always tomorrow I guess"
Turn Out The Lights - Julien Baker
Session 2 with my therapist was a very draining session as I rode a roller coaster of emotions. We spent the first half hour talking about what happened since our past session and going over my scores from my personality assessment, I completed the week before. That part of the session was very relaxing as she can tell the level of happiness I am actually enjoying right now, though I have some moments where I fall back on some old habits (not many moments). I was not surprised going over the results, but I did score a 90 for Introverted.....Surprise!!! Ha Ha Ha! If you are curious, on the Myers Brigg I am an ISFJ and on the Enneagram, I am mainly a 2 but scored very highly as a 4 as well.
The last 30 minutes of the session is where the wheels fell off and reality kicked in. Using those scores, we started to discuss some of the root causes of my depression. Unlike my previous therapist, who did a good job, my new therapist is spending a good amount of time on my early years to get a better idea where my depression started. I truly believe that understanding how I got to be the way I am will help me to better cope and accept my feeling of happiness. I know that sounds odd but throughout my life I have never felt deserving of happiness or accolades. While very draining, it felt good to talk about my past and put things out there. When I am more comfortable, I will discuss in more details these situations but at that time I never realized where they were leading me.
After that we started discussing, why I should feel deserving of this new found happiness. So first question she ask.....
1. What are you positives that make you deserving?
All I did was stare at her as she stood at the whiteboard with a marker in hand. She was ready to list them down for me. And instantly, I went to the negatives. She cut me off and told me to think about the story I told her about my holidays. After some thought, I came up with one, because someone directly told me! And she said yes. After that she explained the process she will be working on to help me accept this happiness, which just thinking about how I have been feeling has me smiling right now as I type this post.
For my session next week, she gave me homework. She discussed a process of Best Self versus Worst Self. In this, we will list what I perceive as my best qualities versus a list of my worst qualities. She wants to bring an initial list next Wednesday. She did say it was alright to get some help on the positives if I get stuck. So in the picture below, you can see the start of the list. And yes, I did use a lifeline already and I got one but forgot to put it on the list before the picture.
I have a feeling next week's session might be a difficult one.....
Stay tuned!
