"I'm paralyzed
I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it's still alive
And it's taking over me where am I?
I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside
But I feel nothing, I wonder why
And on the race of life time passes by"
Paralyzed - NF
In my last post, I briefly mentioned my race at Rev 3 Quassy, which I raced two weeks ago. I know, in the past, I used to be quick about race reports but I will admit, adopting Spike did down play the race.
I know.......that is a shock to many of you as you may have come to believe that I all cared about was competing and beating my competition. And yes, I do care about competing and pushing myself to my limits in training and racing, but something needs to change!
Change? What could that be?
In my months of therapy, I have learned that the thing I enjoy so much, triathlons, has also been one of the biggest contributors to my depressive state over the years. I really should not single out triathlons as much as I should say....competition.
Over the years, competing in anything has been a double edged sword to me. While I have enjoyed the process of pushing myself to my limits and I have had some very successful results (by standards of others), no race has ever matched up to some crazy expectations of perfection I have put on myself. You did read that correctly..... no race result has ever made me happy, And that includes qualifying for and finishing the Ironman World Championships in Hawaii and winning several triathlons over the past 3 years.
I have no idea where this desire for perfection ever came from but in my months of therapy, I have learned this desire has cost me many moments of pleasure over the years. Even in the victories the past few years, when people would congratulate me on the overall wins, my first comment would always be about a lack of competition in the race. In my mind, I had already convinced myself that the only way a person my age could win a race would be due to a lack of quality competition. Yes, you read that right, even an overall victory never satisfied my need for competition or made me happy.
So what is next........Damn, I wish I knew.
I have gone back and forth in my own mind on how to handle this race season. I did go into the season thinking my ultimate goal would be to qualify for Ironman 70.3 World Championships since it was back in the US for 2017. But recently, I have begun to think, a better goal might be to get to a point where I am satisfied, mentally, with my results.
What that means.....I have not really defined that yet!
While to some it might no make sense but for now my race schedule will be a fly by the seat of my pants thing. I will race when I feel mentally ready to handle any result versus when I feel feel physically ready to race. If things work out, I will be ready for a potential Ironman 70.3 WC qualifier but I can't keep beating myself over my results and I can't make it my first priority.
So for now, no official races on my schedule but I have my eye on some low profile races to keep the competitive juices flowing but allowing me to go into these races with no expectations....Just me and the clock! This is the reason I go into the sport in the first place and somehow I need to find that same passion.
So while I figure out this, my focus will be on coaching my athletes (collegiate and post-collegiate) and stressing to them to appreciate ever opportunity they get to compete! These moments are few and far between and will not always be there. Recently, I have found that my journey in dealing with my PDD has made me a better coach in regards to understanding my athletes and stressing to them to take advantage of every opportunity that is presented to them and most importantly...... Enjoy Them!
Plus, I need to take time to be a good adoptive parent to Spike! It may sound weird, especially with him being a dog, but in the two weeks I have had him, he has taught me a bit as well! I am so lucky he fell into my life!
What that means.....I have not really defined that yet!
While to some it might no make sense but for now my race schedule will be a fly by the seat of my pants thing. I will race when I feel mentally ready to handle any result versus when I feel feel physically ready to race. If things work out, I will be ready for a potential Ironman 70.3 WC qualifier but I can't keep beating myself over my results and I can't make it my first priority.
So for now, no official races on my schedule but I have my eye on some low profile races to keep the competitive juices flowing but allowing me to go into these races with no expectations....Just me and the clock! This is the reason I go into the sport in the first place and somehow I need to find that same passion.
So while I figure out this, my focus will be on coaching my athletes (collegiate and post-collegiate) and stressing to them to appreciate ever opportunity they get to compete! These moments are few and far between and will not always be there. Recently, I have found that my journey in dealing with my PDD has made me a better coach in regards to understanding my athletes and stressing to them to take advantage of every opportunity that is presented to them and most importantly...... Enjoy Them!
Plus, I need to take time to be a good adoptive parent to Spike! It may sound weird, especially with him being a dog, but in the two weeks I have had him, he has taught me a bit as well! I am so lucky he fell into my life!
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| Spike & Me |
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