Hindsight Is 20/20 But If I Could Go Back

"I am not the only traveler
 Who has not repaid his debt
 I've been searching for a trail to follow again
 Take me back to the night we met

 And then I can tell myself
 What the hell I'm supposed to do
 And then I can tell myself
 Not to ride along with you"

The Night We Met - Lord Huron 

I know it has been two weeks since I have posted but it has been an hectic two week, especially last weekend. Last weekend, I competed in my first triathlon of the 2017 season and picked up Spike after the race. More about Spike later.........

If you take the time to read the lyrics, you may wonder what does this song have to do with what I am going through. You are not the only one! My therapist asked the same question last week as she read from my notebook of random thoughts. As I mentioned in one of earliest post, I keep a journal of my thoughts throughout the week and each week typically starts with a lyric that sums up that week. I originally heard this song while watching "13 Reasons Why" and probably had a much different interpretation as most see it as a break-up/love song. My therapist agreed and asked what it meant to me and how did it fit with what I am dealing with........

Obviously, I am the traveler who has not repaid his debt and my therapy is in a way repaying that debt.The therapy has been my way of searching that trail to follow again, maybe a trail that I followed before PDD (Persistent Depressive Disorder). And as you can guess, the PDD is the the thing (not a person) that I met that makes the We.

Having learned a lot about my thought errors, through CBT, for what has probably been decades, I wish I could go back to that moment when PDD truly set into my psyche and speak with my younger miserable self. What would I tell myself:

1. Of course, the first thing I would tell myself is to seek help regardless of the stigma of getting help. 
2. Start learning your thought errors and learning new ways to perceive things that make you suffer from PDD.
3. You are going to accomplish a lot of things in life and if you don't change your thinking now, you will not enjoy any of them. 
4. You are good enough.
5. Everything is not black or white, this is middle ground. 
6. If good things happen to you, you deserve them. 
7. If bad things happen to you, it is not because you deserve it or bad things only happen you. 
8. Don't push away everybody who gets close to you. 
9. You are not better off alone 

As they say, hindsight is 20/20 so the best I can do now is to work hard on my CBT and change my the perspective of my thoughts.

Oh yeah, I mentioned Spike. Spike is my my new bulldog puppy (large puppy) that I adopted last week! Spike just turned 11 months old this past week but he is a big puppy. He just might be the most adorable bulldog with his wrinkles and demeanor! He is so friendly and loves people and other animals. I also believe Spike will do wonders for me as I work my way through the process of getting better and changing my perspectives!

Just Look At Those Wrinkles!!!!