I want To Get Better!

"Out of the blue into the black
  I give you this, but you pay for that
  Once you're gone, you can't never come back
  When you're out of the blue, into the black!"

Hey Hey, My My - Neal Young Cover by The Chromatics

I will be honest....... 

Each week, I can typically come up with 2-3 aspects of my depression to speak about but it does not get easier to do it with each passing post. 

I know at times it might seem like I am comfortable with this but it has been because I have talked about the easy parts so far. I really never discussed the darker side of my depression in the earlier post. But I started to think, if this is going to be truly therapeutic and helpful I would need to get out of my comfort zone and open up to all of you. And, most importantly, if I was going to tackle my recovery in a proper way, I would need to acknowledge how deep I have sunk this time and quite often in the past. 

As I sit here.....I can assure this one is the most uncomfortable post to write as I fear the judgements that people will pass on me because of this. Once again it comes back to the stigma of getting help, a stigma that still does not make sense to me given the stats of depression. 

Maybe I am weak for getting help but I think I am stronger to to get help, where things are private with my therapist, and at the same time stronger for putting these post out for all to read and exposing myself to the stigma. This post is somewhat inspired by my recent therapy session and watching "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix. Check it out...It is an amazing show and maybe because of what I am going through at the time but I watched all 13 episodes of season 1 in an 18 hour stretch.

Here it is....I'm tired of running!

And I don't mean running in regards to my triathlon training, I am referring to running away from my issues and from people who are/were close to me, and that includes my family. All my life, all I have done is run away! Too often, instead of getting help or opening up to people, my answer was to run away and lose myself somewhere far away from people I knew. Sometimes that even meant picking up and moving far away like Baltimore, MD; Wilmington, NC; Las Vegas, NV; West Springfield, MA and now Selinsgrove, PA. 

Where ever I have lived, when my issues got to be too much for me to handle, I only knew one way out......Disappear/Fade Away! Which over the years has made things worse. Until now, I always thought running away would be the answer I was looking for in life and a fresh start would get rid of my issues. As I mentioned in my last post, this running away was my idea of suicide as at least I would stop being a burden to those I left behind. In my mind, I believed if I went somewhere that nobody knew me I could start over........... I know it is not the most reasonable thinking! But if you never reached as low as me, you would not get it! I wanted to live but I could not live somewhere I thought I could not fit in or felt like I was a burden to people.

Do I want to keep running away? 

Fuck no! (Excuse the french!) I am tired of it. I am tired of being miserable, I am tired of shutting people off from my world when they get too close. I am tired of saying I'm fine even though I am not. I'm tired of being socially awkward, OK, that one might be a tougher one to deal with my shyness. Ha ha! 

I'm tired of ruining my life.

And yes, I have ruined my life! So if you happen to be well younger than me, reading this blog and feel as I do, I implore you to seek help now before it is too late!You don't want o end up like me.....miserable and alone.

It might be a little late for me but I can assure I will be doing my best to make the most out of what life I have left! I get it, that sounds depressing (no pun intended) but it is the direction I need to go. I know I have a lot of reconnecting with people, while it won't be easy, I know it has to be done. I have alienated so many people in my lifetime that it is amazing I have any friends or acquaintances at this point or a family that actually will claim me. 

I just know that I can't keep running and I need to tackle this head on! So from here on this blog will will deal with the process of dealing with my Persistent Depressive Disorder and my recovery!

I truly believe I have reached my lowest point. 

No where to go but up!

#StopTheStigma

#13ReasonsWhy