Comfortably Numb (My Lowest Point)

"There is no pain you are receding
 A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
 You are only coming through in waves
 Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
 When I was a child
 I caught a fleeting glimpse
 Out of the corner of my eye
 I turned to look but it was gone
 I cannot put my finger on it now
 The child is grown
 The dream is gone
 I have become comfortably numb"

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

All my life I have had my bouts of being depressed and feeling low but they would pass overtime and I would not feel so miserable, maybe feel more indifferent. But it could have been the culmination of many factors (numerous health issues, personal relationship issues, stress, social anxiety....etc.) but about 2 months ago I probably reached the lowest point I have ever fell to when dealing with one of my depressed episodes...........

Comfortably Numb. 

This lack of feeling lasted for a stretch of 5-6 weeks but in all honesty it scared me at the time. As you read this post, I want you to know.... I hope you never get to this point

Now, I have often been accused of being emotionless but this went beyond this.

What is it like to feel numb?

Basically to me, as things were happening, it was not a matter of having an inappropriate emotional response or feeling to a situation, it was a stretch of literally having no emotional response or feeling to anything. Even when going through this bout, I found it difficult to describe the feeling or lack of feeling to my psychologist. It was almost like being a robot. I was able to function and do everything I needed to during the day but it was void of feeling, good or bad.

Maybe some people could tell, but I was doing my best to fake it and be myself as much as I could around people and at work. I made sure my workouts were completed and my teams got the best coaching I could give them. During this stretch, I made sure every detail for our home indoor track & field meets was handled and the meet would be very efficient. By the end of the day, this going through the motions, left me even more emotionally and mentally drained.

It was as though I could not wait to get home and shut my brain off! This faking through the day was adding to my numbness but it was all I could do to get through the day. At this time, nobody knew I was seeing a psychologist and the blog did not exist, so this hiding this secret was wearing on me as much as the diagnosis.

So each day during this stretch, I would go home and sit on my couch and decompress. This decompression or escape took on many forms:

1. Watching television 
2. Listening to music 
3. Both watching television and listening to music
4. Having a beer 
5. Mustering enough energy to make dinner 
6. Trying to not fall asleep on the couch (many failures on that)
7. Trying to figure out why I am so miserable buy yet not feel anything

Thankfully, this state of feeling numb has passed. I can honestly tell you that getting to that point was pretty scary as it began to make me wonder if I would be possible of an emotional response ever again. 

Things are better and moving in the right direction again. Obviously, my psychologist was a very big reason in turning this stretch around. I believe being honest with people about my diagnosis with PDD and the blog are helping me to feel better about myself. I can say I feel a bit more relaxed knowing that people know and I am no longer hiding my depression. It has also helped that everybody has been so supportive through all of this. In some way, all of you helped me through this low point. 

I have a feeling that majority of post from this point will be more on the positive side.

#StopTheStigma