Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

"Any minute now, my ship is coming in
 I'll keep checking the horizon
 I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
 Come crashing down, down, down, on me
 And you say, be still my love
 Open up your heart
 Let the light shine in
 But don't you understand
 I already have a plan
 I'm waiting for my real life to begin"
Waiting For My Real Life To Begin - Colin Hay

Getting near the of the month and my phone rings...........

I recognize the number...... ***374-2764......Ugh....WTF!!!!!

I let it go to voicemail. Not because I don't want to talk the person as I already know it is a recording! 

OK...you probably caught me on that one, there is a good chance (depending on my mood) I would have just let it go to voicemail and avoided any potential "real" person on the other end!

But this phone call is regarding my automatic fill of my prescription for Lexapro.

There, it is out to all.....as part of my diagnosis of P.D.D., I am currently medicated for it.. 

Lexapro (escitalopram) is an antidepressant belonging to a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). The way escitalopram works is still not fully understood. It is thought to positively affect communication between nerve cells in the central nervous system and/or restore chemical balance in the brain.

Even though, I have come to believe the medication is helping me but unfortunately, in my mind,  I have not fully accepted the fact that I reached the point where I needed to be medicated. I think this is because of the stigma and to me it shows an extreme sign of weakness in dealing with the diagnosis. If I do mention my medication to those close to me, it is always in a joking or sarcastic manner making it out to be no big deal.

I did not start on medication immediately when I started working with my therapist (psychologist). She mentioned it could be a possibility but wanted to try CBT and get to more know about me and where I was mentally.  I felt good about that decision as I felt, probably like most, that I could beat this without help of medications as only those truly depressed (I did not believe I was that bad at the time) resort to medication.......

How bad could I be? 

Hell, I am supposed to the strong coach for 80+ athletes each year......Nothing is supposed to phase me. I am the one who is supposed to be the rock and voice of reason for the young impressionable student athletes. If I show a weakness what will that do for them?

Who was I kidding?

Well.......that lasted four months. Little did I truly realize how far I had sunk in my depression this time or better, how much did not want to realize how far I have fallen. Not knowing I was P.D.D officially all these years, I have dealt with my miserableness for years but never let it get as bad as this. Don't get me wrong, the CBT was helping and I was recognizing issues and the errant ways of my thinking but I was just at such a low that I needed help in being able to break my current train of thought patterns. 

My therapist, being a psychologist and not being able to prescribe drugs, she scheduled an appointment for me to meet with a psychiatrist she works with in early December to see if that medication would be the proper way to proceed at this time. 

Going into the appointment, I was hopeful and nervous at the same time. I was still hopeful that I could beat this without medication and he would feel the same, but nervous because I knew I was fooling myself and I was starting to realize I had hit an all time low. I guess in some ways I was mad at myself for letting myself get to this point and not being able to help myself without the help of a drug. I was also nervous because now I had to expose a lot of my issues and insecurities to yet another person......and this is not easy for me and I hate it! 

Well.......after a nice discussion and review of my psychologist's notes, he agreed that Lexapro would be a good option and hopefully a temporary option! He reiterated that as low I have sunk that this will help my mind accept CBT more and move me in the right direction of getting better.....whatever getting better means...... Indifferent or maybe even happy?At that point, I would take indifferent over being miserable!

I do realize as I move through this CBT process and wrap my mind around the process, I will be able to ween on off the Lexapro and handle my diagnosis on my own. But for now, I am on a daily does of 10 milligrams of Lexapro. 

Is it working? 

I believe so as it has made me more receptive to CBT but now I am dealing with a lifetime of thinking errors that make it tough to change the way I perceive things........

But that is yet another post........I do have to keep this blog going! 

#StopTheStigma