Socially Inept But Functioning

"I am the son
  and the heir
  of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
  I am the son and heir
  of nothing in particular

  You shut your mouth
  how can you say
  I go about things the wrong way
  I am human and I need to be loved
  just like everybody else does"

"How Soon Is Now" - The Smiths

Where to even begin with this one......... 

I was actually going to hold off on this topic for a little bit but after my therapy session the other day, this is fresh in my thoughts. One of the symptoms of my PDD that I struggle with the most is avoidance of social activities. Since I have waited so long to get help, it would really be difficult to figure out if my PDD caused my social anxieties or vice versa.  

As I type this, I think that most people have figured this out about me throughout the years. I have never been the most outgoing or engaging person on earth. Most people would say that I am shy or even socially inept.

To my perceptions, my social awkwardness or shyness is beyond normal (in my idea of normal) and I am very well aware of it but still I can't help myself. I have never been able to overcome this awkward shyness and it makes me feel less of a normal person. Because of this shyness or inability to truly socialize with many people, I have alienated so many people in life and often come to believe I am just better off alone. I know this flaw has ruined relationships, friendships and has distanced myself from my family at times. In some sad way, maybe this has been why I have been able to achieve some success in triathlons as I don't mind the solitude of training for hours but actually embrace it.

Trust me.....I do want a social life but my depression and anxiety won't let me. Over the years I have always tried to blame my awkwardness on the nuns and the brain washing they put the me under while I went to Catholic school for grades 1-8. It sounds like a good excuse but I know it goes deeper than that.

Here are some things to help you understand my social anxiety and what goes through my mind at times:

1. Please, don't take it personal. Most important rule!
2. When I say "I can't come do something" or hesitate to answer when asked to do something....It is not that I don't want to do something, it truly feels impossible at times 
3. If I cancel plans at the last minute, which I do a lot, it is beyond my control and I can't force myself to just do it. 
4. The more pressure I am to interact the worse it gets.
5. A constant worry that strangers are staring and judging me.
6. I have a tendency to plan conversations ahead of time. It is probably the reason I don't fear recruiting calls as I have my normal script for those calls.
7. Quite often when I am quiet in group settings it is because I am afraid I will say the wrong thing. 
8. It is a struggle for me to initiate conversations. 
9. My laughter, sarcasm or joking around is to mask the fear that I truly feel deep inside. 
10. It is not the same everyday. Certain situations that can cause it one day may not on another day.  
11. I don't mean to come across as standoffish when I don’t want to talk or to give hugs to a bunch of people in succession. I get overwhelmed and overstimulated extremely easily.

This is what it is like to be in my head when my social anxiety kicks in.......kind of scary! 

 

#StopTheStigma