Thinking In Absolutes

"I am covered in skin
 No one gets to come in
 Pull me out from inside
 I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
 I am colorblind
 Coffee black and egg white
 Pull me out from inside
 I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
 I am fine"

Colorblind - Counting Crows

I was not sure where to go with this week's post but then I heard this song and I was reminded of something that my therapist and I discuss quite often...... (Never thought I would be comfortable to share what was discussed in my therapy sessions each week)

The way my mind works or better yet,  the confines in which my mind seems to work.......

Thinking in only absolutes or simply thinking in black or white. Most of the time it is either one end of the spectrum or the other and never any grey areas. 

Sometimes called Splitting, in psychology it is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism used by many people. The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground).

This is a common theme in my therapy sessions. Unfortunately, too often my thinking goes more towards the negative extreme side of things. I am not sure where this started in my life or what caused most unnecessary pressure or expectations I put on myself.

This way of thinking has effected so many aspects of my life and in some ways fulfilled my negative prophecies of myself. Worst off, this thinking has added to my depression over the years while also preventing me from seeking help and causing me to alienate people in my life.

Here are some common black or white thinking errors of the years that have possibly led to my depression or in some way made me the miserable person I was for the longest time and  yes I know some of these will seem very depressing and I am working on the way I perceive things but in my mind being able to share this is a major step in the right direction. (Please understand these are just the thoughts in my head and nobody did anything to cause these thoughts in my warped brain)

1. Only one in immediate family that has been divorced and has no children.......feel like a failure to them and societal expectations. Unfortunately, this has caused me to alienate them and be a bad son, brother, Godfather and uncle.
2. Won my first triathlon at age 44 and belittled it by saying the competition was weak and I was not challenged. I have won two more races since then and had the same exact thoughts. I could not be happy with winning the race,
3. Many failed relationships & almost everybody I know is married and with children....... Maybe at age 47, soon to be 48, maybe I am just meant to be alone. This has caused me to shun people who have attempted and prevent them from getting to close. If I don"t let people close enough then there is less of a chance of rejection and adding to my thoughts of being better off alone. Unfortunately, this has led to many of those failed relationships. 
4. Even if a race result is good, by other people's standards, if I can find even the tiniest flaw in a race, the race is a bad race.This has led me to delve deeper into my raining and pushing me harder and thus shutting me off from people.
5. At the time, seeking help for my depression made me feel as failure as person. I hid my going to see a psychologist for 6 months before I felt comfortable enough to let it out. Even still, I have trouble facing some people, especially family, that I am in therapy.
6. Soon after, and a topic of another blog, having to be medicated for my depression made me feel like a bigger failure! 
7. Probably the biggest thinking error of black and white thinking....... I have been depressed for so long that I started to believe I am just a miserable person and that is who I am just am and will always be. 

I understand this thinking did not start for me overnight and it will take some time to get over this way of thinking. Hell, it has been been 30+ years of thinking this way that is ingrained in my head  and it will take a lot of practice to change some of it.

I am am hopeful that I will soon be able to find some middle ground in the way I think!

#stopthestigma

#imfine