For The Most Part, A Positive Post (Thank You)

"Shell smashed, juices flowing
 Wings twitch, legs are going
 Don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel
 One day, I am gonna grow wings
 A chemical reaction"

Let Down  - Radiohead

I am sick of being miserable......

I  still hate the way I feel..........

But at least, I am finally comfortable to talk with people about what I am going through as strange as that may sound...... 

I truly never thought I would get to that the last comment. Maybe that is the beer talking... Ha ha! Just kidding...It is only my first beer!

This post is written as a thank you to all those who have read my blog and showed a tremendous amount of support with each passing post. Like many who feel like I do, we feel as though we are the only ones who feel this way and alone in this battle. Despite what statistics might show about depression, those who feel like I do always feel as though we are not normal and there must be something wrong with ourselves. And to make it worse, we feel  if we should seek out help, there is a stigma about reaching out for help and makes us look weak. Well, the one thing I have learned, at least with all the people I know, the support has been tremendous and therapeutic! 

Thank you!

1. Obviously my family was very supportive from the moment I messaged them. I will be honest, they are probably the group I have most alienated over the years and owe a lot too as their support never wavered. At least they now know why I was the way I was, still no excuse though.
2. My teams have been great through this since I told them. They were the second group to know after my family. In some ways they are my second family as I have so many dealings with them everyday and maybe the closest I will get to my own kids...ha ha!!!! (I still jokingly blame them over the years for the way I am...Ha ha!) Throughout all of my crazy medical/mental issues over the past 7-8 years, there has been one constant ...incredible well rounded athletes to work with who always had my back and made life easier at times! 
3. The group I get to work with everyday or in the past at Susquehanna University and "the Crew" of officials, who have been putting up with me for 14 years, have also made this easy as well! They all have been amazing. While many times I have felt alone throughout this, they made realize I am not alone in this and they were there to support me. Several have stopped by the office but nearly all have expressed their support in passing conversations. 
4. Of course, my friends, both old and new, have been so understanding and supportive. The number of offers I received about being there if I ever need to just talk or vent was overwhelming.  I appreciate every single offer!
5. I am still amazed by the number of views my blog has actually had over the past 4 weeks including the number of comments on some of the post. It might be a small audience but maybe my message is resonating with them and maybe helping me to realize I am not alone in this!

Because of this support, something happened this Thursday that I truly thought would not happen.......

I understand that everybody knows through the blog that I am seeing a psychologist but it was the first time I admitted to people where I was going and did not feel embarrassed. Most of the time I always looked for the right moment to sneak out of office my with notebook of random thoughts. And every time I returned to campus, I left the notebook in the car so nobody would see me walking in with it. 

Another sign of coming to terms with my Persistent Depressive Disorder or at least being able to let people know of dealings with it was posting a picture of my Random Thoughts notebook on Instagram. Obviously, even though it was a picture of a page with thoughts written, one could not read what I had written. Not quite ready to let that much out just yet! During the week, I will jot down my random thoughts on whatever paper or notepad is available at the moment. Every Thursday morning, I sit down in the office and collect those thoughts into my notebook and bring it to my session with my psychologist. 

By no means, do I think this coming to terms with my PDD and being able to talk about it publicly that I have been "cured" and I will be the happiest person you have ever met. Trust me, I know if I started acting that way it may worry a lot of you...Ha ha! I am positive though, that this step will be a huge positive as I move in the direction of better handling my PDD. It will also be the biggest positive for me to get over the stigma.......a stigma that maybe I put more on myself and seeing the support all of you have shown!

#StopTheStigma

The infamous notebook of Random Thoughts