"Lately I've been feeling low
A remedy is what I'm seeking
I take a taste of what's below
Come away to something better
What I want is what I've not got
And what I need
Is all around me
Reaching searching never stop
And I'll say..."
A remedy is what I'm seeking
I take a taste of what's below
Come away to something better
What I want is what I've not got
And what I need
Is all around me
Reaching searching never stop
And I'll say..."
Jimi Thing - Dave Matthews Band
A remedy or what I call breaks from reality to help me get through this............
My remedy comes in multiple parts but this post will deal with the one remedy that has defined me to others over the years......
This remedy, training for multi-sport competitions, has been a constant in my life for decades and for better or worse has defined me in good and bad ways.........
Good - Motivated, Accomplished, Fit
Bad - Anti-social, Rigid, Crazy, Loner, Selfish, Boring, Withdrawn, Arrogant, Abnormal, Freak
(Surprisingly,I came up with more negatives than positives - This addition written in my best sarcastic font!)
For the better part of the past 25+ years, I have been training for multi-sport events whether it was triathlons, duathlons, running, bicycle road racing and then a return to triathlons 5 years ago.
In dealing with my PDD now, I can see why at that time, delving into the multi-sport world would be perfect for me but I did not realize, at that time, it was a remedy as I see it now. Prior to therapy, selfishly, it was the perfect remedy as it afforded me hours of alone time when I was overwhelmed, feeling anxious or depressed.
As I look back over the past 25+ years of training, I would say the 90% of my training has been solo which probably led more people to think I was even more anti-social than I was truly was. But this alone time, while not always aware of it, was very therapeutic as well as productive in helping me achieve my goals in my races.
In hindsight, because of not seeking help for my PDD sooner, I let my training become my sole remedy and it caused a lot of friction in my life. But because it was my only outlet/escape, for what it is worth, it lead me to be rigid, anti-social, withdrawn and alone....
I knew no other way to remedy how I was feeling.....
Moving forward, in combination with my therapy and my notebook of random thoughts, training for races will continue to a remedy for me! I still have a lot of unaccomplished goals but at least, with therapy, I will be able to enjoy them! And when life gets overwhelming, that escape from reality while running, swimming or bicycling is always a perfect time to collect my thoughts, clear my mind or just be ALONE! But at least now, it won't be my only remedy.
Upcoming Races
June 3rd - Rev 3 Quassy Olympic Distance
June 11th - Ironman Eagleman 70.3
August 13th - Rev 3 Pocono Half Ironman - Mid-Atlantic Long Course Regional Championships
* the rest of the season TBA
#StopTheStigma
Good - Motivated, Accomplished, Fit
Bad - Anti-social, Rigid, Crazy, Loner, Selfish, Boring, Withdrawn, Arrogant, Abnormal, Freak
(Surprisingly,I came up with more negatives than positives - This addition written in my best sarcastic font!)
For the better part of the past 25+ years, I have been training for multi-sport events whether it was triathlons, duathlons, running, bicycle road racing and then a return to triathlons 5 years ago.
In dealing with my PDD now, I can see why at that time, delving into the multi-sport world would be perfect for me but I did not realize, at that time, it was a remedy as I see it now. Prior to therapy, selfishly, it was the perfect remedy as it afforded me hours of alone time when I was overwhelmed, feeling anxious or depressed.
As I look back over the past 25+ years of training, I would say the 90% of my training has been solo which probably led more people to think I was even more anti-social than I was truly was. But this alone time, while not always aware of it, was very therapeutic as well as productive in helping me achieve my goals in my races.
In hindsight, because of not seeking help for my PDD sooner, I let my training become my sole remedy and it caused a lot of friction in my life. But because it was my only outlet/escape, for what it is worth, it lead me to be rigid, anti-social, withdrawn and alone....
I knew no other way to remedy how I was feeling.....
Moving forward, in combination with my therapy and my notebook of random thoughts, training for races will continue to a remedy for me! I still have a lot of unaccomplished goals but at least, with therapy, I will be able to enjoy them! And when life gets overwhelming, that escape from reality while running, swimming or bicycling is always a perfect time to collect my thoughts, clear my mind or just be ALONE! But at least now, it won't be my only remedy.
Upcoming Races
June 3rd - Rev 3 Quassy Olympic Distance
June 11th - Ironman Eagleman 70.3
August 13th - Rev 3 Pocono Half Ironman - Mid-Atlantic Long Course Regional Championships
* the rest of the season TBA
#StopTheStigma
 |
| In my element! |
Therapy is really hard and painful and a s l o w process. so many times it just feels like a waste of time: going to appointments when I'd rather be doing anything else with my free time
ReplyDeleteweek after week,year after year, frustrating...
but there are moments of clarity and I remember one very powerful moment that I wish to share:
One session, I was explaining to my therapist that my students were in the process of selecting their yearbook quotes-the ones that appear under their pictures in their yearbook- I was explaining to my students to be thoughtful about the quote they chose as it distinguished them, defining who they are. Curiously, and probably to keep me off topic from the lesson, they asked me what my yearbook quote was and I remember thinking proudly how much it identified me then-as a senior in high school and how it still applies to my life today. This is the quote
"people are immortal in their moments of glory. We need their memory to inspire us.
For afterall, life is a race and what are we but runners?"
I found the quote in the book: Chariots of Fire, after I had seen the movie about 1000 times.
I remember when I picked it how perfect it was for me: I was a runner I was going to college on a full scholarship to be a runner and a scholar and that pretty much set me on my path of a perfection quest. From then on everything was about measuring and numbers: my grades, my workout times, my weight, my race times, when it was time for the next work out, how much time I would sleep, how much time I would give friends, how much time I would worry about the next time I would have to be timed or weighed.... that "Time" lasted about 25 or so...years I can't get back.
As a related this yearbook quote to my therapist I remember thinking how perfectly it defined me and I waited for her approval and acknowledgement. At that moment, my therapist looked me right in the eye and said, "who the hell ever said life was a race?" and then it hit me and it hit me so hard life: life is NOT a race. Life is a precious gift from the universe for us to enjoy in joy, immerse ourselves in and be love every day, every hour, unceasingly. It had nothing to do with measurements, race times, grades, accomplishments, extrinsic rewards...
there are no rewards just as there are no deservings. if we honor Self, listen to our hearts, be Love to others be Love to ourselves then that is honoring the gift of Life.
This clarity was a miracle for me (a miracle being just a shift in perception). Slowly, deliberately, mindfully and not without falling, I opened my heart and Love came flooding in.
It's been about five years and I have to say my life is completely different I wish this moment of clarity for you and for all of us who for whatever reason feel we have to deserve love feel we have to achieve something To earn it.
Here is my mantra: belove,belove, belove