Struggling With The Idea Of Change

"I never learned to count my blessings

  I choose instead to dwell

  In my disasters

  I walk on down the hill

  Through grass grown tall

  And brown and still

  It's hard somehow

  To let go of my pain"

Empty - Ray LaMontagne

This may sound sad........

This may sound counterproductive..........

But I can honestly say at times, I may have been my own worst enemy in my therapy to date. 

You may ask, how can someone who is tired of being miserable and truly wants to get better be detrimental to their own treatment?????

The answer to me is somewhat simple.....

I don't know any other way. Change, even if potentially for the better, is a scary thing.

How could a change for the better be scary?

For better or for worse, despite dealing with Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD), I have achieved a good amount of success as a coach and a multi-sport athlete. As I mentioned in my first post, I may not have truly been able to enjoy the rewards of what I have done, but I continued to have a strong drive and desire to achieve my success.

And now the sad part..........

As I go through my therapy, in the back of my mind, I have wondered would I still be this successful if I change. Will I lose that edge or desire that has driven me to the multi-sport athlete I am today? Will I lose that edge that has helped me be a successful coach and push my athletes to get the most of their given abilities for the better part of the past two decades?

I only mention these two aspects of my life as this is how I perceive (mind read) that people only think of me or see me as these two things. To them, this is what defines me (mind reading again). And trust me, because of my social anxieties to go with PDD, I give people no other way fr people to perceive me. I guess, in a pathetic way, being a multi-sport is perfect for my social anxieties, which will be a topic of another post... the issues are endless!   

I guess, in a lot of ways, I have attributed all of my success to being miserable and depressed. Very sad, huh?

Given I have only known one way for so long, decades, the idea of change can be so tough even if for the better.

#StopTheStigma

Below is a meme of a comment Wilson made to House that my psychologist agrees with as she has seen some of my resistance to change as I cling to my ways at times.