Working On Changing My Perspective

"When I stand, my back to the sea
  A big white cloud, looking right down on me
  Sound of sun, missing my eyes
  Everything's clear, everything's bright"
Big White Cloud - John Cale

Cognitive Behavioral therapy (CBT) is a short-term, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment that takes a hands-on, practical approach to problem-solving. Its goal is to change patterns of thinking or behavior that are behind people’s difficulties, and so change the way they feel. It is used to help treat a wide range of issues in a person’s life, from sleeping difficulties or relationship problems, to drug and alcohol abuse or anxiety and depression. 

CBT works by changing people’s attitudes and their behavior by focusing on the thoughts, images, beliefs and attitudes that are held (a person’s cognitive processes) and how these processes relate to the way a person behaves, as a way of dealing with emotional problems.

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My first two sessions with my therapist consisted of her asking a few questions, me talking and her taking notes. She explained, when we first met, that she would use the first two sessions to get a better sense of where I was in my mindset and  what method of treatment would serve best. In the end, we decided that the best method at this time would be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (description above).

To help with the CBT process, I was given homework. Yes, you read that correctly.....Homework! 

I was given a worksheet where I was to record situations that seemed to set me off in a negative way. After explaining the situation, I was to write my initial thoughts or reactions given my current ways of erred thinking. From these reactions, I could assign my thinking errors (topic of another post) to them. Of the list of potential thinking errors,  I seem to have a fondness for 2-3 of them. After assigning the thinking errors, I was to work through a better way to react to the situation and write it down. The premise was that by working on a positive/better way to have reacted to the situation it would help to change my current attitudes or feelings as these situations happened in the future.

Taking my wanting to get better very seriously and yes I am tired of being miserable, I was very consistent in completing these worksheets each week.The hardest part of completing the worksheets was keeping them hidden at work as I was embarrassed about having to complete them. I should say I was more concerned about the potential embarrassment if I should have someone catch me completing one. Yeah, that stigma can be tough to fight!  

The biggest difference I noticed after a few weeks was the drastic decrease in my anger outburst for what many people would think are silly or trivial. As much as it was making feel better about  myself as a person and my ability to interact with others, I could feel make a difference in my coaching as it improved my ability to interact in a more positive manner with my athletes especially if performances did not match expectations. 

Despite this improvement, I was still miserable or perceived myself to be miserable. What was I doing wrong in my treatment? Am I just supposed to be this way? Will I ever be happy? What happened in my past that has me so screwed up?

In talking with my psychologist about these questions, she quickly taught me the error of my thinking.

I has become fixated on what caused me to be the way I am, instead of focusing on changing the way I perceived or dealt with things that typically set me off. But at that time, it went against my nature as a coach and athlete. 

How can I move on without knowing the cause?  That does not solve the puzzle!!!

But my quest for knowing the cause or solving the puzzle was actually making it harder for me  to move forward. My obsession for knowing the cause or root of my depression was defeating the purpose of the treatment we were pursuing and led to many nights of ruminating. While searching for the cause and ruminating many nights, I never realized that I was just living a never ending loop of miserableness making me feel even more depressed...go figure!!!!

Through her help, I realized, that knowing a potential cause was never going to solve my current state or my state of mind for the past 30+ years. After I presented these questions to her, we did spend one session on them to help me understand her point. To pander to my nature of being a coach, she presented many scientific theories about depression and we discussed them fully. She even gave me several books (with parts I needed to read highlighted) to help me understand. We then came to a conclusion that there does not seem to be one underlying event that would lend me to be the way I have been  for so long but our focus would be better suited change how I perceive things and respond to things. Maybe the puzzle was not fully solved but who knows maybe it is not supposed to be for me to get better! 

Until this blog, anybody who knows me knows I am not the most open or emotional person as I probably hide behind the biggest wall anybody can erect. I can never express how thankful I am to find a psychologist who has it made it so easy for me to open up and be honest! It has been a great gateway to getting better.

#StopTheStigma