Dismissing The Positives (Dysthymia)

 

 

What is persistent depressive disorder?

Persistent depressive disorder is a form of chronic (ongoing) depression. Although symptoms of persistent depressive disorder may be less severe than other types of depression, they are longer-lasting in duration. 

A new addition to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) – the standard reference manual used for the diagnosis of recognized mental illnesses in the United States – persistent depressive disorder is a consolidation of two previous diagnoses: chronic major depressive episode and dysthymic disorder. 

What are the symptoms of persistent depressive disorder?

The primary feature of persistent depressive disorder is the presence of depressed mood on most days for at least 2 years for adults (at least 1 year for children and adolescents). During this period, individuals are depression-free for no longer than 2 months at a time.

Although not as severe as those of major depression, symptoms of persistent depressive disorder also include the presence of two (or more) of the following (ones in bold are the ones that haunt me):

• Loss of interest in daily activities
• Sadness, emptiness or feeling down
• Hopelessness
• Tiredness and lack of energy
• Low self-esteem, self-criticism or feeling incapable (1^st two are killers for me)
• Trouble concentrating and trouble making decisions
• Irritability or excessive anger (been much better with therapy)
• Decreased activity, effectiveness and productivity
• Avoidance of social activities (really good at this one)
• Feelings of guilt and worries over the past
• Poor appetite or overeating
• Sleep problems

Individuals with persistent depressive disorder often maintain a negative view of themselves, their future, others around them, and general life 

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Now, you might be wondering why start a blog post with such a description...

I can understand the confusion but I have been thinking of ways to convey this message for months. Starting in late August, after several months (hell all of my life) of really struggling, I decided it was time to reach out and get help. Every Thursday since late August, I have been sneaking off (well, in my mind sneaking off) for a couple hours to meet with my psychologist to discuss my issues and yes, I do have many of those.

In the past, my blog consisted mostly about my training and racing, but let's be honest, you probably found that as boring as I did. So, my blog will now go in a new direction that may in the long run serve a better purpose and help somebody get help long before I did. I know there may be many people out there dealing with the same issues who are afraid to get help, for numerous reasons, like I was but it is time to stop the stigma of depression! 

This first post will deal with just one aspect of my depression:

To most people, I can come across as somebody who is happy (maybe a bit sarcastic at times) and they see me as an accomplished coach who has experienced a lot of success over the years. You truly want to know the sad part, I have never been able to enjoy any of these moments. I have been lucky enough, with my coaching to staff, to be honored with Coach of the Year honors and to this day all 13 honors still sit in their boxes never seeing the light of day. I do have a few awards visible in the office but they are too big to hide and you do need show recruits that you have been a successful coach. I have also been lucky enough to coach 10 championship teams and before the excitement can settle among the athletes, I would already be thinking about what it would take to win the next one or how I could have better prepared the current team despite the win. In my mind, despite winning, it was not perfect and I  could find some flaw in it. The flaws I looked for were always in myself and never the efforts of the athletes or my assistant coaches.

Many also say that my running and triathlon career has been filled with a lot of success, winning numerous races and earning two trips to Hawaii to compete in the Ironman World Championships in Kona. Yet over the years of competing, none of this has been good enough. My trophies are all stored in a box in garage and the numerous medals I have received for winning or finishing are strung throughout the apartment collecting dust. I was even given a gift that I could display all these medals but never hung it as it I felt these accomplishments were not worthy of displaying.  I have come away from every race I have ever done and felt it has never been enough even if I won. I would find some fault in the race. I have downplayed my overall victories as modest efforts and I won because of the lack of competition of better triathletes.

In discussing with my psychologist, I have realized I have become an expert at dismissing the positive in everything. For some reason, everything I have ever done or accomplished in life was never good enough nor deserved the attention that people wanted to give it. To this day, i am horrible at taking compliments. I can recall recently, when a person asked me to list my positives, I gave 1 or 2 positives and quickly moved to 3-4 negatives before they cut me off. It is almost as if with each success in life, the more miserable I became or the harder I pushed myself without taking the time to enjoy the moment. I am working on it but someday soon, I do truly hope, that I can enjoy something that I achieve and realize that some happiness can be drawn from what I do as I do love what I do.

I am not sure if this will be a weekly thing but this blog will now be devoted to dealing with my issues and maybe for somebody this blog will serve as a reminder that despite outward appearances, deep down we truly don't know the inner dealings of people.

In a way, it may help people understand me and at the same time it may help me to become a better person to the many people who I have hurt, alienated or been miserable to over the years and currently.  

Working on becoming indifferent versus miserable....have to take it is small steps!

In this blog, I will cover my struggles with my depression, getting better through therapy as well as my continued ventures in triathlons and hopefully finding some happiness in it! 

  

#stopthestigma