Random Thoughts & Mind Reading

"I write everything down except what's on my mind
 Cause my greatest fear is that sucking sound
 And then I know that I will neer get back out
 And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink
 In a crowded room where the glasses clink
 And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep
 Because that keeps me from felling asleep
 How'd you like to be alone and drowning"
Narcolepsy - Third Eye Blind 

Aside from working on my Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) worksheets, I have also been recording, what I call random thoughts, in a black notebook since August. Not being the most open or expressive person is probably the sole reason I started this journal or what some might call a thought log. This notebook is kept in my backpack which is typically not far from me at any time whether in the office or at home on the couch. Currently, that backpack is within arm's reach as I type this post. 

You never know when one of these random thoughts will hit.......

What are these random thoughts, you might ask???? Good question........

This collection of random thoughts ranges from sayings, to song lyrics, to actual thoughts in my head at any moment that typify how I have been feeling all these years and how I feel in my process to getting better! Quite often, my personal thoughts are collected after a bit of ruminating at the end of the day as I sit alone on the couch. These random thoughts in addition to the CBT worksheets have been very helpful in starting discussions with my psychologist every week. Trust me, if not for these random thoughts or worksheets, my psychologist would be banging her head against the wall trying to get me to open up some weeks!!! Ha ha! 

Maybe a bit a surprise to some, these random thoughts have not always been negative! Since starting to work with my psychologist in August, there have been some positive thoughts showing that this process is working. In working, I mean giving me a new perspective on how to handle what has typically been my negative aspect on things!

I will say, the artist or bands that have made the lyric list is quite eclectic...........

The Smiths, Morrissey, Travis, Eddie Vedder, Sponge, Simon & Garfunkel, The Pixies, AWOL Nation, Bruce Springsteen, Matchbox 20, Tears for Fears, Third Eye Blind, John Cale, James, The National, U2, Soul Asylum, Peter Gabriel, Alexi Murdoch, Matthew Sweet, Dashboard Confessional......

I know it is a long list but we are talking about 25+ weeks of my warped mind and listening pleasures....

Probably the one lyric that typifies how I have felt all these years and my psychologist says describes me perfectly.....

"I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone

 I long for that feeling, to not feel at all

 The higher I get, The lower I sink

 I can't drown my demons, They know how to swim"

 Can You feel My Heart - Bring The Horizon

My favorite saying among this 5 month collection of random thoughts is..........

"The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think"

David Icke

For better or for worse, this prison of constantly being in fear of what others think is what made the decision to blog about this so difficult. In terms of thinking errors this referred to as "mind reading". Even though I have no idea what people are thinking, I am good at convincing myself I can read their minds. And more often than not, my mind reading does not involve the other persons having positive thoughts about me or they are judging me in a negative way. As supportive as everybody has been since I have started this blog, my biggest fear of doing this was self-created and I was afraid of being judged by all as weak, crazy or unstable. Yeah, some of the stigma is a societal thing but the majority of the fear was self-driven by my mind reading.

I do feel a bit better about the blog being out there as if somebody lifted a burden off my back, but I would not say I have completely escaped the prison........ I think for now, I would say I am on parole!

That is two thinking errors down with several more to go.

 #StopTheStigma #ImFine