Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

"Any minute now, my ship is coming in
 I'll keep checking the horizon
 I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
 Come crashing down, down, down, on me
 And you say, be still my love
 Open up your heart
 Let the light shine in
 But don't you understand
 I already have a plan
 I'm waiting for my real life to begin"
Waiting For My Real Life To Begin - Colin Hay

Getting near the of the month and my phone rings...........

I recognize the number...... ***374-2764......Ugh....WTF!!!!!

I let it go to voicemail. Not because I don't want to talk the person as I already know it is a recording! 

OK...you probably caught me on that one, there is a good chance (depending on my mood) I would have just let it go to voicemail and avoided any potential "real" person on the other end!

But this phone call is regarding my automatic fill of my prescription for Lexapro.

There, it is out to all.....as part of my diagnosis of P.D.D., I am currently medicated for it.. 

Lexapro (escitalopram) is an antidepressant belonging to a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). The way escitalopram works is still not fully understood. It is thought to positively affect communication between nerve cells in the central nervous system and/or restore chemical balance in the brain.

Even though, I have come to believe the medication is helping me but unfortunately, in my mind,  I have not fully accepted the fact that I reached the point where I needed to be medicated. I think this is because of the stigma and to me it shows an extreme sign of weakness in dealing with the diagnosis. If I do mention my medication to those close to me, it is always in a joking or sarcastic manner making it out to be no big deal.

I did not start on medication immediately when I started working with my therapist (psychologist). She mentioned it could be a possibility but wanted to try CBT and get to more know about me and where I was mentally.  I felt good about that decision as I felt, probably like most, that I could beat this without help of medications as only those truly depressed (I did not believe I was that bad at the time) resort to medication.......

How bad could I be? 

Hell, I am supposed to the strong coach for 80+ athletes each year......Nothing is supposed to phase me. I am the one who is supposed to be the rock and voice of reason for the young impressionable student athletes. If I show a weakness what will that do for them?

Who was I kidding?

Well.......that lasted four months. Little did I truly realize how far I had sunk in my depression this time or better, how much did not want to realize how far I have fallen. Not knowing I was P.D.D officially all these years, I have dealt with my miserableness for years but never let it get as bad as this. Don't get me wrong, the CBT was helping and I was recognizing issues and the errant ways of my thinking but I was just at such a low that I needed help in being able to break my current train of thought patterns. 

My therapist, being a psychologist and not being able to prescribe drugs, she scheduled an appointment for me to meet with a psychiatrist she works with in early December to see if that medication would be the proper way to proceed at this time. 

Going into the appointment, I was hopeful and nervous at the same time. I was still hopeful that I could beat this without medication and he would feel the same, but nervous because I knew I was fooling myself and I was starting to realize I had hit an all time low. I guess in some ways I was mad at myself for letting myself get to this point and not being able to help myself without the help of a drug. I was also nervous because now I had to expose a lot of my issues and insecurities to yet another person......and this is not easy for me and I hate it! 

Well.......after a nice discussion and review of my psychologist's notes, he agreed that Lexapro would be a good option and hopefully a temporary option! He reiterated that as low I have sunk that this will help my mind accept CBT more and move me in the right direction of getting better.....whatever getting better means...... Indifferent or maybe even happy?At that point, I would take indifferent over being miserable!

I do realize as I move through this CBT process and wrap my mind around the process, I will be able to ween on off the Lexapro and handle my diagnosis on my own. But for now, I am on a daily does of 10 milligrams of Lexapro. 

Is it working? 

I believe so as it has made me more receptive to CBT but now I am dealing with a lifetime of thinking errors that make it tough to change the way I perceive things........

But that is yet another post........I do have to keep this blog going! 

#StopTheStigma

Thinking In Absolutes

"I am covered in skin
 No one gets to come in
 Pull me out from inside
 I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
 I am colorblind
 Coffee black and egg white
 Pull me out from inside
 I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
 I am fine"

Colorblind - Counting Crows

I was not sure where to go with this week's post but then I heard this song and I was reminded of something that my therapist and I discuss quite often...... (Never thought I would be comfortable to share what was discussed in my therapy sessions each week)

The way my mind works or better yet,  the confines in which my mind seems to work.......

Thinking in only absolutes or simply thinking in black or white. Most of the time it is either one end of the spectrum or the other and never any grey areas. 

Sometimes called Splitting, in psychology it is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism used by many people. The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground).

This is a common theme in my therapy sessions. Unfortunately, too often my thinking goes more towards the negative extreme side of things. I am not sure where this started in my life or what caused most unnecessary pressure or expectations I put on myself.

This way of thinking has effected so many aspects of my life and in some ways fulfilled my negative prophecies of myself. Worst off, this thinking has added to my depression over the years while also preventing me from seeking help and causing me to alienate people in my life.

Here are some common black or white thinking errors of the years that have possibly led to my depression or in some way made me the miserable person I was for the longest time and  yes I know some of these will seem very depressing and I am working on the way I perceive things but in my mind being able to share this is a major step in the right direction. (Please understand these are just the thoughts in my head and nobody did anything to cause these thoughts in my warped brain)

1. Only one in immediate family that has been divorced and has no children.......feel like a failure to them and societal expectations. Unfortunately, this has caused me to alienate them and be a bad son, brother, Godfather and uncle.
2. Won my first triathlon at age 44 and belittled it by saying the competition was weak and I was not challenged. I have won two more races since then and had the same exact thoughts. I could not be happy with winning the race,
3. Many failed relationships & almost everybody I know is married and with children....... Maybe at age 47, soon to be 48, maybe I am just meant to be alone. This has caused me to shun people who have attempted and prevent them from getting to close. If I don"t let people close enough then there is less of a chance of rejection and adding to my thoughts of being better off alone. Unfortunately, this has led to many of those failed relationships. 
4. Even if a race result is good, by other people's standards, if I can find even the tiniest flaw in a race, the race is a bad race.This has led me to delve deeper into my raining and pushing me harder and thus shutting me off from people.
5. At the time, seeking help for my depression made me feel as failure as person. I hid my going to see a psychologist for 6 months before I felt comfortable enough to let it out. Even still, I have trouble facing some people, especially family, that I am in therapy.
6. Soon after, and a topic of another blog, having to be medicated for my depression made me feel like a bigger failure! 
7. Probably the biggest thinking error of black and white thinking....... I have been depressed for so long that I started to believe I am just a miserable person and that is who I am just am and will always be. 

I understand this thinking did not start for me overnight and it will take some time to get over this way of thinking. Hell, it has been been 30+ years of thinking this way that is ingrained in my head  and it will take a lot of practice to change some of it.

I am am hopeful that I will soon be able to find some middle ground in the way I think!

#stopthestigma

#imfine

 

A Remedy Is What I'm Seeking

"Lately I've been feeling low
  A remedy is what I'm seeking
  I take a taste of what's below
  Come away to something better
  What I want is what I've not got
  And what I need
  Is all around me
  Reaching searching never stop
  And I'll say..."

Jimi Thing - Dave Matthews Band 

A remedy or what I call breaks from reality to help me get through this............

My remedy comes in multiple parts but this post will deal with the one remedy that has defined me to others over the years......

This remedy, training for multi-sport competitions, has been a constant in my life for decades and for better or worse has defined me in good and bad ways.........
 
Good - Motivated, Accomplished, Fit
Bad - Anti-social, Rigid, Crazy, Loner, Selfish, Boring, Withdrawn, Arrogant, Abnormal, Freak
(Surprisingly,I came up with more negatives than positives - This addition written in my best sarcastic font!)

For the better part of the past 25+ years, I have been training for multi-sport events whether it was triathlons, duathlons, running, bicycle road racing and then a return to triathlons 5 years ago.

In dealing with my PDD now, I can see why at that time, delving into the multi-sport world would be perfect for me but I did not realize, at that time, it was a remedy as I see it now. Prior to therapy, selfishly, it was the perfect remedy as it afforded me hours of alone time when I was overwhelmed, feeling anxious or depressed.

As I look back over the past 25+ years of training, I would say the 90% of my training has been solo which probably led more people to think I was even more anti-social than I was truly was. But this alone time, while not always aware of it, was very therapeutic as well as productive in helping me achieve my goals in my races.

In hindsight, because of not seeking help for my PDD sooner, I let my training become my sole remedy and it caused a lot of friction in my life. But because it was my only outlet/escape, for what it is worth, it lead me to be rigid, anti-social, withdrawn and alone....

I knew no other way to remedy how I was feeling.....

Moving forward, in combination with my therapy and my notebook of random thoughts, training for races will continue to a remedy for me! I still have a lot of unaccomplished goals but at least, with therapy, I will be able to enjoy them! And when life gets overwhelming, that escape from reality while running, swimming or bicycling is always a perfect time to collect my thoughts, clear my mind or just be ALONE! But at least now, it won't be my only remedy.

Upcoming Races
June 3rd - Rev 3 Quassy Olympic Distance
June 11th - Ironman Eagleman 70.3
August 13th - Rev 3 Pocono Half Ironman - Mid-Atlantic Long Course Regional Championships
* the rest of the season TBA

#StopTheStigma

In my element!

For The Most Part, A Positive Post (Thank You)

"Shell smashed, juices flowing
 Wings twitch, legs are going
 Don't get sentimental, it always ends up drivel
 One day, I am gonna grow wings
 A chemical reaction"

Let Down  - Radiohead

I am sick of being miserable......

I  still hate the way I feel..........

But at least, I am finally comfortable to talk with people about what I am going through as strange as that may sound...... 

I truly never thought I would get to that the last comment. Maybe that is the beer talking... Ha ha! Just kidding...It is only my first beer!

This post is written as a thank you to all those who have read my blog and showed a tremendous amount of support with each passing post. Like many who feel like I do, we feel as though we are the only ones who feel this way and alone in this battle. Despite what statistics might show about depression, those who feel like I do always feel as though we are not normal and there must be something wrong with ourselves. And to make it worse, we feel  if we should seek out help, there is a stigma about reaching out for help and makes us look weak. Well, the one thing I have learned, at least with all the people I know, the support has been tremendous and therapeutic! 

Thank you!

1. Obviously my family was very supportive from the moment I messaged them. I will be honest, they are probably the group I have most alienated over the years and owe a lot too as their support never wavered. At least they now know why I was the way I was, still no excuse though.
2. My teams have been great through this since I told them. They were the second group to know after my family. In some ways they are my second family as I have so many dealings with them everyday and maybe the closest I will get to my own kids...ha ha!!!! (I still jokingly blame them over the years for the way I am...Ha ha!) Throughout all of my crazy medical/mental issues over the past 7-8 years, there has been one constant ...incredible well rounded athletes to work with who always had my back and made life easier at times! 
3. The group I get to work with everyday or in the past at Susquehanna University and "the Crew" of officials, who have been putting up with me for 14 years, have also made this easy as well! They all have been amazing. While many times I have felt alone throughout this, they made realize I am not alone in this and they were there to support me. Several have stopped by the office but nearly all have expressed their support in passing conversations. 
4. Of course, my friends, both old and new, have been so understanding and supportive. The number of offers I received about being there if I ever need to just talk or vent was overwhelming.  I appreciate every single offer!
5. I am still amazed by the number of views my blog has actually had over the past 4 weeks including the number of comments on some of the post. It might be a small audience but maybe my message is resonating with them and maybe helping me to realize I am not alone in this!

Because of this support, something happened this Thursday that I truly thought would not happen.......

I understand that everybody knows through the blog that I am seeing a psychologist but it was the first time I admitted to people where I was going and did not feel embarrassed. Most of the time I always looked for the right moment to sneak out of office my with notebook of random thoughts. And every time I returned to campus, I left the notebook in the car so nobody would see me walking in with it. 

Another sign of coming to terms with my Persistent Depressive Disorder or at least being able to let people know of dealings with it was posting a picture of my Random Thoughts notebook on Instagram. Obviously, even though it was a picture of a page with thoughts written, one could not read what I had written. Not quite ready to let that much out just yet! During the week, I will jot down my random thoughts on whatever paper or notepad is available at the moment. Every Thursday morning, I sit down in the office and collect those thoughts into my notebook and bring it to my session with my psychologist. 

By no means, do I think this coming to terms with my PDD and being able to talk about it publicly that I have been "cured" and I will be the happiest person you have ever met. Trust me, I know if I started acting that way it may worry a lot of you...Ha ha! I am positive though, that this step will be a huge positive as I move in the direction of better handling my PDD. It will also be the biggest positive for me to get over the stigma.......a stigma that maybe I put more on myself and seeing the support all of you have shown!

#StopTheStigma

The infamous notebook of Random Thoughts

Socially Inept But Functioning

"I am the son
  and the heir
  of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
  I am the son and heir
  of nothing in particular

  You shut your mouth
  how can you say
  I go about things the wrong way
  I am human and I need to be loved
  just like everybody else does"

"How Soon Is Now" - The Smiths

Where to even begin with this one......... 

I was actually going to hold off on this topic for a little bit but after my therapy session the other day, this is fresh in my thoughts. One of the symptoms of my PDD that I struggle with the most is avoidance of social activities. Since I have waited so long to get help, it would really be difficult to figure out if my PDD caused my social anxieties or vice versa.  

As I type this, I think that most people have figured this out about me throughout the years. I have never been the most outgoing or engaging person on earth. Most people would say that I am shy or even socially inept.

To my perceptions, my social awkwardness or shyness is beyond normal (in my idea of normal) and I am very well aware of it but still I can't help myself. I have never been able to overcome this awkward shyness and it makes me feel less of a normal person. Because of this shyness or inability to truly socialize with many people, I have alienated so many people in life and often come to believe I am just better off alone. I know this flaw has ruined relationships, friendships and has distanced myself from my family at times. In some sad way, maybe this has been why I have been able to achieve some success in triathlons as I don't mind the solitude of training for hours but actually embrace it.

Trust me.....I do want a social life but my depression and anxiety won't let me. Over the years I have always tried to blame my awkwardness on the nuns and the brain washing they put the me under while I went to Catholic school for grades 1-8. It sounds like a good excuse but I know it goes deeper than that.

Here are some things to help you understand my social anxiety and what goes through my mind at times:

1. Please, don't take it personal. Most important rule!
2. When I say "I can't come do something" or hesitate to answer when asked to do something....It is not that I don't want to do something, it truly feels impossible at times 
3. If I cancel plans at the last minute, which I do a lot, it is beyond my control and I can't force myself to just do it. 
4. The more pressure I am to interact the worse it gets.
5. A constant worry that strangers are staring and judging me.
6. I have a tendency to plan conversations ahead of time. It is probably the reason I don't fear recruiting calls as I have my normal script for those calls.
7. Quite often when I am quiet in group settings it is because I am afraid I will say the wrong thing. 
8. It is a struggle for me to initiate conversations. 
9. My laughter, sarcasm or joking around is to mask the fear that I truly feel deep inside. 
10. It is not the same everyday. Certain situations that can cause it one day may not on another day.  
11. I don't mean to come across as standoffish when I don’t want to talk or to give hugs to a bunch of people in succession. I get overwhelmed and overstimulated extremely easily.

This is what it is like to be in my head when my social anxiety kicks in.......kind of scary! 

 

#StopTheStigma