Where Is My Mind?

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
  Try this trick and spin it, yeah
  Your head will collapse
  But there's nothing in it
  And you'll ask yourself
  Where is my mind?"

Where Is My Mind? - The Pixies (Covered by Sunday Girl)

 

A question I have asked myself in the past, but more recently in the past 2-3 days since my parents informed me of some very surprising news on Monday informing me that my cousin, just 3 years younger than myself, had committed suicide. They did not have many details regarding how or why at the time.

Since that call, I have debated whether or not this would be an appropriate post, given the situation, but I figure I have already shared some of my darkest details, so why stop now. I will go into small details but will not name anybody or the circumstances behind the decision made by this person.

The news stunned me as in my eyes my cousin seemed to be living a much happier life than me. At least that was the impression I got the last time I saw him, several years ago, and from hearing random things the few times I decide to be a good family member and visit for a holiday. Yeah, I know, I am a horrible person! 

Not sure why, but my initial thought was guilt. I think this feeling stemmed from the fact that my cousin and I were more alike than I thought and some of the guilt was from being a horrible son, brother, cousin and uncle to everybody. But mostly, I had a feeling of guilt because initially I felt like I could have done something. OK, maybe not done something to prevent this but at least been able able to speak with him. I could have assured him that he is not the only one that is depressed or in therapy. Though in another state, I could have been that person he could reach out to in his moments of darkness. I am not sure if that would be like the blind leading the blind but it is what crossed my mind.

I am not sure where this post is really going as I have had numerous rambling thoughts in my head over the last two days. This is actually my second attempt at writing this. I guess the biggest thing for all to understand is you truly never know what demons that a person might be dealing with deep inside, despite outward appearances. And I get that family and friends will be trying to make sense of this particular situation but I will be brutally honest, only from my own experience in receiving treatment, you will never be able to make sense of it. And the worst part, while probably a correct statement, it won't make anyone feel any better about the situation. 

What can we do?

To be honest....... I really don't know other than trying to be as understanding as possible when somebody does reach out to us if they reach out at all. And quite often a person will reach out in kind of an inconspicuous way so we need to do our best to read these signals. Here are some things to look for in a person who we may feel is in depressed state or maybe even suicidal:

1. Sometimes that reply of I'm fine is a scream for help!
2. General irritability and fatigue
3. Anxiety
4. Excessive drinking or drug use
5. Suicidal thoughts
6. Trouble making decisions
7. General stress
8. Isolating oneself from friends and family

#StopTheStigma

 

Perfection (Impossible Goal) Versus Acceptance (Realistic Goal)

"I'm paralyzed
 I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die
 And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
 But it's still alive
 And it's taking over me where am I?
 I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside
 But I feel nothing, I wonder why
 And on the race of life time passes by"
Paralyzed  - NF 

In my last post, I briefly mentioned my race at Rev 3 Quassy, which I raced two weeks ago. I know, in the past, I used to be quick about race reports but I will admit, adopting Spike did down play the race. 

I know.......that is a shock to many of you as you may have come to believe that I all cared about was competing and beating my competition. And yes, I do care about competing and pushing myself to my limits in training and racing, but something needs to change!

Change? What could that be?

In my months of therapy, I have learned that the thing I enjoy so much, triathlons,  has also been one of the biggest contributors to my depressive state over the years. I really should not single out triathlons as much as I should say....competition.

Over the years, competing in anything has been a double edged sword to me. While I have enjoyed the process of pushing myself to my limits and I have had some very successful results (by standards of others), no race has ever matched up to some crazy expectations of perfection I have put on myself. You did read that correctly..... no race result has ever made me happy, And that includes qualifying for and finishing the Ironman World Championships in Hawaii and winning several triathlons over the past 3 years. 

I have no idea where this desire for perfection ever came from but in my months of therapy, I have learned this desire has cost me many moments of pleasure over the years. Even in the victories the past few years, when people would congratulate me on the overall wins, my first comment would always be about a lack of competition in the race. In my mind, I had already convinced myself that the only way a person my age could win a race would be due to a lack of quality competition. Yes, you read that right, even an overall victory never satisfied my need for competition or made me happy.

So what is next........Damn, I wish I knew.

I have gone back and forth in my own mind on how to handle this race season. I did go into the season thinking my ultimate goal would be to qualify for Ironman 70.3 World Championships since it was back in the US for 2017. But recently, I have begun to think, a better goal might be to get to a point where I am satisfied, mentally, with my results. 

What that means.....I have not really defined that yet!

While to some it might no make sense but for now my race schedule will be a fly by the seat of my pants thing. I will race when I feel mentally ready to handle any result versus when I feel feel physically ready to race. If things work out, I will be ready for a potential Ironman 70.3 WC qualifier but I can't keep beating myself over my results and I can't make it my first priority.

So for now, no official races on my schedule but I have my eye on some low profile races to keep the competitive juices flowing but allowing me to go into these races with no expectations....Just me and the clock! This is the reason I go into the sport in the first place and somehow I  need to find that same passion.

So while I figure out this, my focus will be on coaching my athletes (collegiate and post-collegiate) and stressing to them to appreciate ever opportunity they get to compete! These moments are few and far between and will not always be there. Recently,  I have found that my journey in dealing with my PDD has made me a better coach in regards to understanding my athletes and stressing to them to take advantage of every opportunity that is presented to them and most importantly...... Enjoy Them!

Plus, I need to take time to be a good adoptive parent to Spike! It may sound weird, especially with him being a dog, but in the two weeks I have had him, he has taught me a bit as well! I am so lucky he fell into my life! 

Spike & Me

Hindsight Is 20/20 But If I Could Go Back

"I am not the only traveler
 Who has not repaid his debt
 I've been searching for a trail to follow again
 Take me back to the night we met

 And then I can tell myself
 What the hell I'm supposed to do
 And then I can tell myself
 Not to ride along with you"

The Night We Met - Lord Huron 

I know it has been two weeks since I have posted but it has been an hectic two week, especially last weekend. Last weekend, I competed in my first triathlon of the 2017 season and picked up Spike after the race. More about Spike later.........

If you take the time to read the lyrics, you may wonder what does this song have to do with what I am going through. You are not the only one! My therapist asked the same question last week as she read from my notebook of random thoughts. As I mentioned in one of earliest post, I keep a journal of my thoughts throughout the week and each week typically starts with a lyric that sums up that week. I originally heard this song while watching "13 Reasons Why" and probably had a much different interpretation as most see it as a break-up/love song. My therapist agreed and asked what it meant to me and how did it fit with what I am dealing with........

Obviously, I am the traveler who has not repaid his debt and my therapy is in a way repaying that debt.The therapy has been my way of searching that trail to follow again, maybe a trail that I followed before PDD (Persistent Depressive Disorder). And as you can guess, the PDD is the the thing (not a person) that I met that makes the We.

Having learned a lot about my thought errors, through CBT, for what has probably been decades, I wish I could go back to that moment when PDD truly set into my psyche and speak with my younger miserable self. What would I tell myself:

1. Of course, the first thing I would tell myself is to seek help regardless of the stigma of getting help. 
2. Start learning your thought errors and learning new ways to perceive things that make you suffer from PDD.
3. You are going to accomplish a lot of things in life and if you don't change your thinking now, you will not enjoy any of them. 
4. You are good enough.
5. Everything is not black or white, this is middle ground. 
6. If good things happen to you, you deserve them. 
7. If bad things happen to you, it is not because you deserve it or bad things only happen you. 
8. Don't push away everybody who gets close to you. 
9. You are not better off alone 

As they say, hindsight is 20/20 so the best I can do now is to work hard on my CBT and change my the perspective of my thoughts.

Oh yeah, I mentioned Spike. Spike is my my new bulldog puppy (large puppy) that I adopted last week! Spike just turned 11 months old this past week but he is a big puppy. He just might be the most adorable bulldog with his wrinkles and demeanor! He is so friendly and loves people and other animals. I also believe Spike will do wonders for me as I work my way through the process of getting better and changing my perspectives!

Just Look At Those Wrinkles!!!!