Crawling In My Skin

" Discomfort, endlessly has pulled
   Itself upon me distracting, reacting
   Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
   It's haunting how I can't seem

   To find myself again
   My walls are closing in"

Crawling - Linkin Park

I know in my last post I mentioned about getting more positive about my dealings with depression but given the news of Chester Bennington, I figure I needed one more reality check for the masses post before moving on! 

Some facts about depression:

1.  Even positive events such as graduating, getting married, a new job can lead to depression.
2.  At some point in their lives, about one in four Americans will experience depression.
3.  More than 20 million people in the United States suffer from depression in a given year.
4.  As many as 15% of those who suffer from some form of depression take their lives each year.
5.  Because the brains of older people are more vulnerable to chemical abnormalities, they are more likely than young people to suffer depression.
6.  Approximately 80% sufferers of depression are not receiving treatment.
7.  The World Health Organization estimates that depression will be the second highest medical cause of disability by the year 2030, second only to HIV/AIDS.
8.  Many creative individuals have experienced depression, including Robert Schumann, Ludwig van Beethoven, Peter Tchaikovsky, John Lennon, Edgar Allan Poe, Mark Twain, Georgia O’Keefe, Vincent van Gogh, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Sylvia Plath.
9.  Depressed individuals have two times greater overall mortality risk than the facts general population due to direct (e.g., suicide) and indirect (medical illness) causes.

These are just a few facts about depression that I found that I thought would hit home similar to the suicide of Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. These nine facts are from a list of 57 facts on Fact Retreiver.

It is amazing to think that one in four Americans will experience depression in their lifetime, more than 20 million people suffer from depression in a given year and as many as 15% of those who suffer from some form of depression take their lives each year. If one in four suffer depression, I can guess you know or unknowingly know somebody who is suffering from depression. If reading this, I am that one in four for you!

So as you can see, someone suffering from depression, in any form, is very common. 

So is if it is so prevalent, why does it take suicides of celebrities such as Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington or Robin Williams to bring attention, albeit briefly, to the issue?!?!?

If it is so prevalent, what is the stigma that causes  80% of those suffering from depression to refuse to get help?

In addition to my own denial, I was also a victim of that stigma of getting help that existed and left me where I am in my own situation. I am no longer afraid to admit, I am one of four that suffer from depression but I am finally no longer apart of the 80% that do not receive treatment.

Here are some reasons why people, including myself, do not seek help:

1. Fear and shame - Most people realize there is a negative stigma associated with having a mental illness and fear being labeled “mentally ill” or “crazy.” They are concerned about how such a label could negatively impact their career, education, or other life goals.
2. Feelings of inadequacy  - Many people believe they are inadequate or a failure if they have to admit something is “wrong” with their mental health. Further, they believe they “should be able to handle things” on their own without assistance and that they must be weak or inferior to have to ask for help. 
3. Distrust -  It’s difficult to consider revealing personal details to a doctor or counselor. Many express concern about “telling a stranger” about their problems. Additionally, they worry that their personal information won’t be kept confidential.
4. Hopelessness - Some people have become demoralized by their mental health issues and believe “nothing will help me” or “I’ll never get better.” These beliefs can be due to depression or hopelessness, and can be substantial roadblocks to seeking help.

Yes, I know, situations such as Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell and Robin Williams drawn more attention to depression/suicide because of their fame but I think the point people could get most of their situations is this......You just never know! Too often, we are great at masking our demons and looking happy and when asked how we are, we deliver that convincing "I'm Fine" answer.

If you are curious, here are signs to look for if you believe somebody might not be themselves lately:

1. Loss of interest in things that previous brought the person pleasure
2. Sleep difficulty
3. Eating changes - Either too little or too much
4. Anger & Irritability
5. Expressing negative thoughts
6. Suicidal ideas
7. Loss of confidence in oneself 

We will not stop depression but we can stop the stigma of depression so more people are not afraid and get to the point where they see no other option than suicide!

#StopTheStigma #ImFine #Iam1in4

My next tattoo

In Repair (Have To Start Small & Somewhere)

"Too many shadows in my room

  Too many hours in this midnight
  Too many corners in my mind
  So much to do to set my heart right

  Oh, it's taken so long
  I could be wrong, I could be ready
  Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
  I should assume it's still unsteady
  I am in repair"

In Repair -John Mayer

This post came to me as I was sitting on a park bench with Spike!  Yes, he loves to take breaks on our walks and sit on the benches and watch the cars drive by and people walk by (hoping they pet him).

For the most part, I know my post have been very enlightening to some and at the same time a very dark look into my psyche. I have also spent a good amount of time on the importance of not being ashamed to seek help as 1 in 5 people will deal with a mental disorder at some point in their life.

Now, I want to start with some of things (somewhat more positive side of this) I am doing to help me get a better handle on my Persistent Depressive Disorder. These things, I will discuss from time to time, are in addition to my therapy and medication.

First....what to do about the race season?

Recently, I scrapped my entire race season. I threw all my goals and my potential race schedule out the window. Trust me., this was not the easiest decision to make but I know it is the smartest decision. Without rehashing the reason I mentioned in a previous post, I decided a bigger goal than qualifying for Ironman 70.3 World Championships was to get to a point where I can be satisfied with my results.

Now, how do I do that?  Is it possible? We will soon find out.........

My focus for this season is to race when I feel mentally ready (physically ready is rarely an issue). And when I race, I am sticking with more low profile races.

Why lower profile races? When I say lower profile, let's first say, I mean races where a qualifying spot for a major championships is not at stake. These smaller races will allow me to set goals that I have more control over during a race. My goals will be more focused on times versus overall placement. The purpose of is to help myself to learn to focus more on the process of race day versus the outcome of race day, which focusing on the outcome has not been very successful for me. I guess the idea is that if the process goes as planned then I could be satisfied with my result, which oddly enough is what I tell my own athletes. 

The funny thing is...... I have always enjoyed the process leading up to race day. Training has always brought some satisfaction to me and kept me motivated. It has also served as my escapes from reality when reality became to overwhelming.

I believe, my enjoyment of the process is the main reason I find satisfaction in being a coach. There is a distinct satisfaction in coaching others to achieve their goals in triathlons and running, Maybe in some way, while coaching them I could learn a few things at the same time. It is kind of strange when I can be happy when one of my athletes achieve their goals but I can't be satisfied with my results.

So far this season I have raced twice. I mentioned Rev 3 Quassy  Olympic Distance several weeks ago but since I did race the Millheim Sprint Triathlon, which I won for the second year in a row. Did the new focus work? Just a tad and for a short time, so I guess that so that is a start but I was satisfied with the free beer I got as a prize from the Elk Creek Brewery, who sponsors the race.

I am not sure when the next race will be (I have a couple in mind)  but I am going to focus on my coaching and helping others achieve their goals!

And of course......spend a lot of time sitting on benches with Spike!

"I'm in repair
 I'm not together, but I'm getting there"

#StopTheStigma  #ImFineSaveMe