I want To Get Better!

"Out of the blue into the black
  I give you this, but you pay for that
  Once you're gone, you can't never come back
  When you're out of the blue, into the black!"

Hey Hey, My My - Neal Young Cover by The Chromatics

I will be honest....... 

Each week, I can typically come up with 2-3 aspects of my depression to speak about but it does not get easier to do it with each passing post. 

I know at times it might seem like I am comfortable with this but it has been because I have talked about the easy parts so far. I really never discussed the darker side of my depression in the earlier post. But I started to think, if this is going to be truly therapeutic and helpful I would need to get out of my comfort zone and open up to all of you. And, most importantly, if I was going to tackle my recovery in a proper way, I would need to acknowledge how deep I have sunk this time and quite often in the past. 

As I sit here.....I can assure this one is the most uncomfortable post to write as I fear the judgements that people will pass on me because of this. Once again it comes back to the stigma of getting help, a stigma that still does not make sense to me given the stats of depression. 

Maybe I am weak for getting help but I think I am stronger to to get help, where things are private with my therapist, and at the same time stronger for putting these post out for all to read and exposing myself to the stigma. This post is somewhat inspired by my recent therapy session and watching "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix. Check it out...It is an amazing show and maybe because of what I am going through at the time but I watched all 13 episodes of season 1 in an 18 hour stretch.

Here it is....I'm tired of running!

And I don't mean running in regards to my triathlon training, I am referring to running away from my issues and from people who are/were close to me, and that includes my family. All my life, all I have done is run away! Too often, instead of getting help or opening up to people, my answer was to run away and lose myself somewhere far away from people I knew. Sometimes that even meant picking up and moving far away like Baltimore, MD; Wilmington, NC; Las Vegas, NV; West Springfield, MA and now Selinsgrove, PA. 

Where ever I have lived, when my issues got to be too much for me to handle, I only knew one way out......Disappear/Fade Away! Which over the years has made things worse. Until now, I always thought running away would be the answer I was looking for in life and a fresh start would get rid of my issues. As I mentioned in my last post, this running away was my idea of suicide as at least I would stop being a burden to those I left behind. In my mind, I believed if I went somewhere that nobody knew me I could start over........... I know it is not the most reasonable thinking! But if you never reached as low as me, you would not get it! I wanted to live but I could not live somewhere I thought I could not fit in or felt like I was a burden to people.

Do I want to keep running away? 

Fuck no! (Excuse the french!) I am tired of it. I am tired of being miserable, I am tired of shutting people off from my world when they get too close. I am tired of saying I'm fine even though I am not. I'm tired of being socially awkward, OK, that one might be a tougher one to deal with my shyness. Ha ha! 

I'm tired of ruining my life.

And yes, I have ruined my life! So if you happen to be well younger than me, reading this blog and feel as I do, I implore you to seek help now before it is too late!You don't want o end up like me.....miserable and alone.

It might be a little late for me but I can assure I will be doing my best to make the most out of what life I have left! I get it, that sounds depressing (no pun intended) but it is the direction I need to go. I know I have a lot of reconnecting with people, while it won't be easy, I know it has to be done. I have alienated so many people in my lifetime that it is amazing I have any friends or acquaintances at this point or a family that actually will claim me. 

I just know that I can't keep running and I need to tackle this head on! So from here on this blog will will deal with the process of dealing with my Persistent Depressive Disorder and my recovery!

I truly believe I have reached my lowest point. 

No where to go but up!

#StopTheStigma

#13ReasonsWhy 

 

 

I'm Fine ............. (Save Me)

"But it's all right
 When you're caught in pain
 And you feel the rain come down
 It's all right
 When you find you way
 Then you see it disappear
 It's all right

Though your garden's gray
 I know all your graces
 Someday will flower
 In a sweet sunshower"

Sunshower  - Chris Cornell 

Going into this week, I kind of had an idea of the next post for the blog but after hearing the news of Chris Cornell, I knew I needed to go a different direction before I could move on to the more positive post of my learning to deal better with my Persistent Depressive Disorder. 

The unfortunate and sad news of Chris Cornell just shows, regardless how happy or successful a person may appear to you, you never know what inner daemons they are dealing with deep inside. Despite having a song title "My Depression", people were surprised when Bruce Springsteen announced he had dealt with depression. But like a lot of people, most thought, what do they have to depressed about??? They are rich and famous! But does that exclude people from being able to be depressed? Despite outward appearances, nothing excludes anybody from the ability to be depressed or being affected by a mental illness.

Obviously, given all that I have been through and some of the low points I have hit the past few months, the news of Chris Cornell hit very close to me. Now, before you delve into things, I am not suicidal and yes my psychologist asked that as well as we discussed the situation with Chris Cornell. As I explained to my psychologist, the closest I could get to suicide would be to pack on my stuff in my car and disappear for awhile! I still have races to do! So, I am not offended if you did think that initially........but rest assured, I'm Fine!

I'm fine........

For years, that was my response to everybody who ever asked me how I was doing. Regardless of how I was feeling, my answer was always these two words. Whether if it was family or friends asking, the response was the same. A few times, my answer was honest and I was fine. Most of the time it was double edge sword reply. It was the answer to stop people from asking again at the same time it was cry for help. 

Why did I not directly say I needed help or just say I was not fine?

There are several reasons (while they me be stupid reasons):

1. The stigma of asking for help
2. My social anxiety
3. Feeling like a failure
4. I could handle it myself
5. Shame of possibly being clinically depressed

I was part of a very disturbing statistic in the treatment of depression and other mental illness. Depending on the study, it is either 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 people with suffer from a mental illness at some point  in their life. Of that number, well over 50% will not seek or get the help the need. The major reason that is stated for such a disturbing number.....the shame of seeking help especially for depression. I was one of the ones who suffered from the fear of the stigma of getting help!

I am fortunate I was able to get over that shame and finally seek help. It might have been long overdue but I started. For my birthday, 12 days ago, I got new ink to remind myself of my answer for years but also a reminder to not be afraid to ask for help when needed. I found a tattoo online of the words "I'm Fine". It was done in a font that when you flipped it over it would read "Save Me". The way the tattoo faces people, they will read I'm Fine but when I look it, I read Save Me. The picture of it is below and if you have a laptop you can flip it over and read it both ways.

It is a reminder to me to not be afraid to ask for help or to not be afraid to discuss with people what I am going through.It is also a reminder that saving me starts with me. The ability to discuss this with people has become a lot easier the past few weeks especially as people have approached me about my blog and thanked me for doing this. I have even become more comfortable telling people I am seeing a psychologist and Thursday has now become known as "Therapy Thursday"!

 

This post is reminder to all that no matter how happy somebody may appear there could be something seriously bothering them deep down especially if you can see a difference in the person. If somebody seems down to you and they answer I'm Fine...........(they might be) but a few more prying questions could go along way. 

 

#StopTheStigma

 

 

I'm Fine/Save Me

Comfortably Numb (My Lowest Point)

"There is no pain you are receding
 A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
 You are only coming through in waves
 Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
 When I was a child
 I caught a fleeting glimpse
 Out of the corner of my eye
 I turned to look but it was gone
 I cannot put my finger on it now
 The child is grown
 The dream is gone
 I have become comfortably numb"

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

All my life I have had my bouts of being depressed and feeling low but they would pass overtime and I would not feel so miserable, maybe feel more indifferent. But it could have been the culmination of many factors (numerous health issues, personal relationship issues, stress, social anxiety....etc.) but about 2 months ago I probably reached the lowest point I have ever fell to when dealing with one of my depressed episodes...........

Comfortably Numb. 

This lack of feeling lasted for a stretch of 5-6 weeks but in all honesty it scared me at the time. As you read this post, I want you to know.... I hope you never get to this point

Now, I have often been accused of being emotionless but this went beyond this.

What is it like to feel numb?

Basically to me, as things were happening, it was not a matter of having an inappropriate emotional response or feeling to a situation, it was a stretch of literally having no emotional response or feeling to anything. Even when going through this bout, I found it difficult to describe the feeling or lack of feeling to my psychologist. It was almost like being a robot. I was able to function and do everything I needed to during the day but it was void of feeling, good or bad.

Maybe some people could tell, but I was doing my best to fake it and be myself as much as I could around people and at work. I made sure my workouts were completed and my teams got the best coaching I could give them. During this stretch, I made sure every detail for our home indoor track & field meets was handled and the meet would be very efficient. By the end of the day, this going through the motions, left me even more emotionally and mentally drained.

It was as though I could not wait to get home and shut my brain off! This faking through the day was adding to my numbness but it was all I could do to get through the day. At this time, nobody knew I was seeing a psychologist and the blog did not exist, so this hiding this secret was wearing on me as much as the diagnosis.

So each day during this stretch, I would go home and sit on my couch and decompress. This decompression or escape took on many forms:

1. Watching television 
2. Listening to music 
3. Both watching television and listening to music
4. Having a beer 
5. Mustering enough energy to make dinner 
6. Trying to not fall asleep on the couch (many failures on that)
7. Trying to figure out why I am so miserable buy yet not feel anything

Thankfully, this state of feeling numb has passed. I can honestly tell you that getting to that point was pretty scary as it began to make me wonder if I would be possible of an emotional response ever again. 

Things are better and moving in the right direction again. Obviously, my psychologist was a very big reason in turning this stretch around. I believe being honest with people about my diagnosis with PDD and the blog are helping me to feel better about myself. I can say I feel a bit more relaxed knowing that people know and I am no longer hiding my depression. It has also helped that everybody has been so supportive through all of this. In some way, all of you helped me through this low point. 

I have a feeling that majority of post from this point will be more on the positive side.

#StopTheStigma