Change & Back To Blogging

Race season is here! Oh Joy! (using my best sarcastic font)

But motivation for triathlons is not & has not been for a few years. And given the craziness of the start of 2023, including the death of my mother, my motivation for triathlons is at its lowest point. It got to the point where workouts, which I always enjoyed, became more of a chore. I reached out to Ironman to explain my situation, in a good amount of details, but unfortunately my options were pretty slim but I knew they would be. Deferring to the following year was not an option and the best they could do was offer me a refund of 25% of initial entry fee for the two races (Blue Ridge & Happy Valley) I was registered.

After hearing my options from Ironman & given the status of my motivation, I decided to take the small refund and just move on for 2023. Shortly after, I made the decision to give a new challenge a try for the remainder of 2023. My new challenge will be trail running and ultra racing. While running became my least favorite of the three disciplines, in my head it made the most sense to take on this challenge. I have registered for the The Georgia Jewel (35 Mile option) and currently looking for a 50 Miler in late October or November. 

https://www.georgiajewel.com/

As I move through this change of sports, I will return to a more consistent schedule of blogging. Over the next few blogs, I will explain in more detail my reasons for the distain for racing and the events that added to the feeling & need for a new challenge. I will continue to raise awareness for subjects that are very meaningful to me... Mental Health Awareness & Suicide Prevention. And I will continue to speak about my dealings with my own diagnosis with Persistent Depressive Disorder. 

As I embark on this journey, I thought it would be the perfect time to add some new ink! I had a Unalome, a Buddhist symbol, tattooed to my left forearm. In its most simplified form, the Unalome symbol represents the path to enlightenment or to a higher place of spiritual contentment. It embodies our experiences as human beings on Earth & signifies a deeper awareness of how we move through life and learn from our actions. 

New ink 

Best Self Versus Worst Self

 

"Say you wish you could find some way to help 

Not be so hard on myself

So why is it so east for everyone else?

I'm not always like this 

There's always tomorrow I guess"

Turn Out The Lights - Julien Baker 

Session 2 with my therapist was a very draining session as I rode a roller coaster of emotions. We spent the first half hour talking about what happened since our past session and going over my scores from my personality assessment, I completed the week before. That part of the session was very relaxing as she can tell the level of happiness I am actually enjoying right now, though I have some moments where I fall back on some old habits (not many moments). I was not surprised going over the results, but I did score a 90 for Introverted.....Surprise!!! Ha Ha Ha! If you are curious, on the Myers Brigg I am an ISFJ and on the Enneagram, I am mainly a 2 but scored very highly as a 4 as well.  

The last 30 minutes of the session is where the wheels  fell off and reality kicked in. Using those scores, we started to discuss some of the root causes of my depression. Unlike my previous therapist, who did a good job, my new therapist is spending a good amount of time on my early years to get a better idea where my depression started. I truly believe that understanding how I got to be the way I am will help me to better cope and accept my feeling of happiness. I know that sounds odd but throughout my life I have never felt deserving of happiness or accolades. While very draining, it felt good to talk about my past and put things out there. When I am more comfortable, I will discuss in more details these situations but at that time I never realized where they were leading me. 

After that we started discussing, why I should feel deserving of this new found happiness. So first question she ask.....

1. What are you positives that make you deserving? 

All I did was stare at her as she stood at the whiteboard with a marker in hand. She was ready to list them down for me. And instantly, I went to the negatives. She cut me off and told me to think about the story I told her about my holidays. After some thought, I came up with one, because someone directly told me! And she said yes. After that she explained the process she will be working on to help me accept this happiness, which just thinking about how I have been feeling has me smiling right now as I type this post. 

For my session next week, she gave me homework. She discussed a process of Best Self versus Worst Self. In this, we will list what I perceive as my best qualities versus a list of my worst qualities. She wants to bring an initial list next Wednesday. She did say it was alright to get some help on the positives if I get stuck. So in the picture below, you can see the start of the list. And yes, I did use a lifeline already and I got one but forgot to put it on the list before the picture. 

I have a feeling next week's session might be a difficult one.....

Stay tuned!