Three Strikes And you Are Alone

"Put to rest what you thought of me
 While I clean this slate
 With the hands of uncertainty
 So let mercy come and wash away
 What I've done

 I'll face myself to cross out what I've become
 Erase myself
 And let go of what I've done

 For what I've done
 I start again
 And whatever pain may come
 Today this ends
 I'm forgiving what I've done"

What I've Done - Linkin Park  

What I've done?

If I only knew what I did to get to the place I am right now! 

Too often, I get fixated on what made me the way I am versus just learning to correct my thinking errors in dealing with the way I am. 

As I have learned from my two years of meeting with my therapist, not one person or moment is to blame for my battle with Persistent Depressive Disorder but once in a while I get this urge to figure out why. This obsession to know causes more damage to my progression than help........I know it but can't stop it! 

What I am about to explain may come across to personal to some but to truly understand how my mind works I  need to put this out there ........

I believe a lot of my recent struggles are a result of my recent trip to Lake Placid to compete in Ironman Lake Placid.  

While my race did not pan out like I wanted that is not the reason it was a tough trip or I have been struggling with some emotions.......

Race day, even with a sub-par result, was the easiest day of the four days to deal with while I was there.........

While it was due to my doings, the three days leading up to the race and the day after the race were the hardest for me emotionally. 

Simply put....... I never felt more alone and destined to be alone than I did those days. And unfortunately, because of my doings and undoings that is why I was there alone. 

Shortly after arriving in Lake Placid, it all started at race check-in and when asked by a volunteer who was here with you to contact if an emergency should occur on race day .......I replied nobody and they looked at me like who travels to these races alone. OK ......I am that loser!

Strike One

It continued while walking around Lake Placid watching athletes mill about town with their friends, families and their "sherpas". At one point, while most likely far from the truth, I felt like I was the only person competing who was totally alone. As I walked by myself, I got the feeling that others were mocking me as they could tell I was there by myself. While I did run into some friends who were competing, which eased the pain at times, but eventually the idea that they had their travel parties and support teams made me feel inferior and worthless. 

Strike Two 

Post race.......... Maybe it was the idea that the race kept me occupied that kept me from feeling my true emotions but post-race did not help. It was not the idea of not having somebody there to talk about my race as much as it was watching other finishers celebrate with their support crews. While I knew I had many people following me online and even dog-sitting to make this trip possible, it is still very difficult for somebody of my psyche to observe what was happening. After a recovery bucket of nachos and a beer, alone, I did head  back for the tradition of watching the finishers till the cut off at midnight. I will say despite my sub-par race, watching the later finishers put a lot into perspective but it also reinforced the fact of being alone. It was tough to watch their supporters get excited as they approached the finish line then rush down to the finish area to congratulate them .

Stroke Three....

Headed back to hotel! 

Need to go to sleep and wake up and get home to Spike as soon as possible...

As I mentioned, I get many of thoughts were misguided and untrue! And the fact of traveling alone was my own doing but it does not shut my damn brain off. It is just my typical battle of complaining of being alone but when people are close I push them away.......so as you can see I can't win....for now!!!

Now one truly good thing did come out of this weekend...........

Next blog, but I have finally come up with a way to use my racing and battle with depression for good! 

Stay tuned and this will be my next post! I assure you the next post will be positive......