Best Self Versus Worst Self

 

"Say you wish you could find some way to help 

Not be so hard on myself

So why is it so east for everyone else?

I'm not always like this 

There's always tomorrow I guess"

Turn Out The Lights - Julien Baker 

Session 2 with my therapist was a very draining session as I rode a roller coaster of emotions. We spent the first half hour talking about what happened since our past session and going over my scores from my personality assessment, I completed the week before. That part of the session was very relaxing as she can tell the level of happiness I am actually enjoying right now, though I have some moments where I fall back on some old habits (not many moments). I was not surprised going over the results, but I did score a 90 for Introverted.....Surprise!!! Ha Ha Ha! If you are curious, on the Myers Brigg I am an ISFJ and on the Enneagram, I am mainly a 2 but scored very highly as a 4 as well.  

The last 30 minutes of the session is where the wheels  fell off and reality kicked in. Using those scores, we started to discuss some of the root causes of my depression. Unlike my previous therapist, who did a good job, my new therapist is spending a good amount of time on my early years to get a better idea where my depression started. I truly believe that understanding how I got to be the way I am will help me to better cope and accept my feeling of happiness. I know that sounds odd but throughout my life I have never felt deserving of happiness or accolades. While very draining, it felt good to talk about my past and put things out there. When I am more comfortable, I will discuss in more details these situations but at that time I never realized where they were leading me. 

After that we started discussing, why I should feel deserving of this new found happiness. So first question she ask.....

1. What are you positives that make you deserving? 

All I did was stare at her as she stood at the whiteboard with a marker in hand. She was ready to list them down for me. And instantly, I went to the negatives. She cut me off and told me to think about the story I told her about my holidays. After some thought, I came up with one, because someone directly told me! And she said yes. After that she explained the process she will be working on to help me accept this happiness, which just thinking about how I have been feeling has me smiling right now as I type this post. 

For my session next week, she gave me homework. She discussed a process of Best Self versus Worst Self. In this, we will list what I perceive as my best qualities versus a list of my worst qualities. She wants to bring an initial list next Wednesday. She did say it was alright to get some help on the positives if I get stuck. So in the picture below, you can see the start of the list. And yes, I did use a lifeline already and I got one but forgot to put it on the list before the picture. 

I have a feeling next week's session might be a difficult one.....

Stay tuned! 

Understanding My Diagnosis

As I move forward with this blog, I believe it is important for everyone to understand my diagnosis on the depression spectrum. I have been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD).  Through therapy, I have learned this is something I have dealt with my entire life. Originally, PDD was known as Dysthymia. 

What is PDD? 

Persistent depressive disorder is a continuous, long-term form of depression. You may feel sad and empty, lose interest in daily activities and have trouble getting things done. You may also have low self-esteem, feel like a failure and feel hopeless. These feelings last for years and may interfere with your relationships, school, work and daily activities.

If you have persistent depressive disorder, you may find it hard to be upbeat even on happy occasions. You may be described as having a gloomy personality, constantly complaining or not able to have fun. Persistent depressive disorder is not as severe as major depression, but your current depressed mood may be mild, moderate or severe.

Because persistent depressive disorder is long term, coping with depression symptoms can be challenging. A combination of talk therapy and medicine can be effective in treating this condition.

Symptoms

Persistent depressive disorder symptoms usually come and go over a period of years. The intensity of symptoms can change over time. But symptoms usually don't disappear for more than two months at a time. Also, major depression episodes may occur before or during persistent depressive disorder.

Symptoms of persistent depressive disorder can cause major problems in your life and may include:

• Sadness, emptiness or feeling down.
• Loss of interest in daily activities.
• Tiredness and lack of energy.
• Low self-esteem, self-criticism or feeling you're not capable.
• Trouble focusing clearly and trouble making decisions.
• Problems getting things done well and on time.
• Quickly becoming annoyed, impatient or angry.
• Avoidance of social activities.
• Feelings of guilt and worries over the past.
• Poor appetite or overeating.
• Sleep problems.
• Hopelessness.

As I return to this release and my therapy, I will continue to update you on my progress as well as how I got here. 

Yesterday, I began my return to therapy and it was an amazing and mentally draining session. But I know it will help me to accept this new found feeling of true happiness! 

1609 DAYS

"Now You Are Free" - Augustines 

1609 Days..... That is how long it has been since my last post. 

Some big things have happened since then.....

• Moved to Greensboro, NC to take on role of Director of Triathlon, Cross Country and Track & Field at Guilford College (2018-2022) 
• Covid 19 & lockdowns 
• Raced triathlons except 2020 (Covid 19)
• Moved to Newberry, SC to take on role of Head Women's Triathlon Coach at Newberry College (2022-present) 
• Stopped seeing a therapist and taking Lexapro, maybe not the best thing

Yet somethings remain the same despite not posting.....

• Still suffering from Persistent Depressive Disorder 
• Still wanting to allow myself to be happy 
• Still can't get out of my head when things are good 

But why start again now? 

One thing I realized is that I should have never stopped as it was a great outlet for me in addition to my therapy sessions. I won't get into all the reasons I stopped but the major one at that time was the stigma attached to mental health disorders. 

But now, with some encouragement and some inspiration, it is time to start blogging again. I will just say that I believe I have experienced what it is like to be happy, really happy, and I hate to resort to my old habit of ruminating about reasons why I don't deserve this happiness. 

In addition to blogging, I will be returning to therapy on January 3, 2023. I know I will not beat these old habits by just blogging alone and I will need some coaching through this. But I am motivated to continue this feeling of happiness and unforced smiles! 

Stay Tuned! 

Three Strikes And you Are Alone

"Put to rest what you thought of me
 While I clean this slate
 With the hands of uncertainty
 So let mercy come and wash away
 What I've done

 I'll face myself to cross out what I've become
 Erase myself
 And let go of what I've done

 For what I've done
 I start again
 And whatever pain may come
 Today this ends
 I'm forgiving what I've done"

What I've Done - Linkin Park  

What I've done?

If I only knew what I did to get to the place I am right now! 

Too often, I get fixated on what made me the way I am versus just learning to correct my thinking errors in dealing with the way I am. 

As I have learned from my two years of meeting with my therapist, not one person or moment is to blame for my battle with Persistent Depressive Disorder but once in a while I get this urge to figure out why. This obsession to know causes more damage to my progression than help........I know it but can't stop it! 

What I am about to explain may come across to personal to some but to truly understand how my mind works I  need to put this out there ........

I believe a lot of my recent struggles are a result of my recent trip to Lake Placid to compete in Ironman Lake Placid.  

While my race did not pan out like I wanted that is not the reason it was a tough trip or I have been struggling with some emotions.......

Race day, even with a sub-par result, was the easiest day of the four days to deal with while I was there.........

While it was due to my doings, the three days leading up to the race and the day after the race were the hardest for me emotionally. 

Simply put....... I never felt more alone and destined to be alone than I did those days. And unfortunately, because of my doings and undoings that is why I was there alone. 

Shortly after arriving in Lake Placid, it all started at race check-in and when asked by a volunteer who was here with you to contact if an emergency should occur on race day .......I replied nobody and they looked at me like who travels to these races alone. OK ......I am that loser!

Strike One

It continued while walking around Lake Placid watching athletes mill about town with their friends, families and their "sherpas". At one point, while most likely far from the truth, I felt like I was the only person competing who was totally alone. As I walked by myself, I got the feeling that others were mocking me as they could tell I was there by myself. While I did run into some friends who were competing, which eased the pain at times, but eventually the idea that they had their travel parties and support teams made me feel inferior and worthless. 

Strike Two 

Post race.......... Maybe it was the idea that the race kept me occupied that kept me from feeling my true emotions but post-race did not help. It was not the idea of not having somebody there to talk about my race as much as it was watching other finishers celebrate with their support crews. While I knew I had many people following me online and even dog-sitting to make this trip possible, it is still very difficult for somebody of my psyche to observe what was happening. After a recovery bucket of nachos and a beer, alone, I did head  back for the tradition of watching the finishers till the cut off at midnight. I will say despite my sub-par race, watching the later finishers put a lot into perspective but it also reinforced the fact of being alone. It was tough to watch their supporters get excited as they approached the finish line then rush down to the finish area to congratulate them .

Stroke Three....

Headed back to hotel! 

Need to go to sleep and wake up and get home to Spike as soon as possible...

As I mentioned, I get many of thoughts were misguided and untrue! And the fact of traveling alone was my own doing but it does not shut my damn brain off. It is just my typical battle of complaining of being alone but when people are close I push them away.......so as you can see I can't win....for now!!!

Now one truly good thing did come out of this weekend...........

Next blog, but I have finally come up with a way to use my racing and battle with depression for good! 

Stay tuned and this will be my next post! I assure you the next post will be positive...... 

 

 

I Am The Change

"Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
 Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
 We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
 There are things that we can have, but can't keep

 If they say, Who cares if one more light goes out?
 In a sky of a million stars
 It flickers, flickers
 Who cares when someone's time runs out?
 If a moment is all we are
 We're quicker, quicker
 Who cares if one more light goes out?
 Well I do"

One More Light - Linkin Park 

 

If you have previously read this blog, you already know I have blogged, recently and in the past,  about the suicide deaths of celebrities. These were celebrities whom I enjoyed their contributions to the world of entertainment whether music, television or movies. Maybe more now because of understanding my battle with Persistent Depressive Disorder, the deaths of Robin Williams, Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington and Anthony Bourdain. really resonated with me. 

Maybe it was the false hope, more so with the first three, that the deaths of such celebrities would help people realize that this is more common than most people like to believe. Well, with Anthony Bourdain, I have noticed a bit more urgency from many, including CNN, to keep the discussion going. Just the other night, CNN conducted a Town Hall on the subject of suicide and it included amazing speakers. 

I do realize that sometimes it takes the unsuspecting suicide death of a celebrity to make people realize that this is a topic that needs an open and honest discussion. But as much as these suicide deaths affected me, I do blog about this more on a personal level............. 

And it has nothing to do with my own personal battles with depression......

 

One year ago today, my cousin, just a few years younger than me, died of suicide. Once again, it was a situation where most people would have never guessed that this person was feeling this way.  And yes, even though I had not seen my cousin in a year or two, I had the natural guilt of what I could have done especially since I was learning so much about through my battle. 

That is when I realized....the best thing I could do, in honor of my cousin and to those who have died of suicide, is bring attention to the subject and the stigma that is associated with mental health issues. I realize that we want to understand why these suicides happened, and it is unfortunate that we will never fully grasp them, but we will be better served to learn from these experiences and maybe prevent someone else from also reaching this point. That doesn't mean we stop thinking of how we might have been able able to help that person or what signs we missed, it means knowing these signs and reaching out to others we know who might be experiencing these sames things. Reaching out to these people and letting them know, it is alright to seek help and talk about it. I truly believe the biggest step to reducing this alarmingly growing trend is to break the stigma of mental illness especially given that 1 in 4 of us will be affected by a mental illness at some point in our lifetime. 

I still want everybody who reads this to go to this site, learn the 5 signs and take the pledge as it can help!

320 Chages Direction

I also hope to have some news soon how I will be continuing to bring attention to this epidemic through my racing of triathlons. 

#stopthestigma #iam1in4 #iamthchange

How Do We Make A Difference? It Starts With A Simple Jesture

"Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
 Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
 We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
 There are things that we can have, but can't keep

 If they say, Who cares if one more light goes out?
 In a sky of a million stars 

 It flickers, flickers
 Who cares when someone's time runs out?
 If a moment is all we are
 We're quicker, quicker
 Who cares if one more light goes out?
 Well I do"

"One More Light" Linkin Park  

It has been 4 days since the Anthony Bourdain died of suicide and since I have wondered, stuck here in middle of nowhere PA, how I can make more of a difference. At the same time, I am encouraged that I still see people posting messages on Facebook about being there to help or listen, but there has to be more that we can do.....

We cannot let this moment pass this time so we need to do more......

Personally, I have been blogging about my own personal battle with Persistent Depressive Disorder for a year and often wonder, other than myself, has anybody else found this blog helpful. 

I get that mental illness is not an easy topic for many people to speak about especially given the stigma of admitting you have a problem.  Well, that stigma made a mess of life and left me quite miserable and ruined any chances of true happiness I may have an opportunity to enjoy and ruined just about all relationships I have had. That was one of the main reasons I started this blog, as I hoped for the few people who read this, may learn from my mistakes and not delay realizing they have a problem and seek help. Trust me, when I admit, I reach the my lowest points but through getting help I was able to get through and feel closer to indifferent than I ever have. And from experience, there is no lower than when you feel numb and you just don't care.  

At the same time, I also wondered how I could do more and bring more attention to the epidemic that suicide seems to be in our society right now? I think one way is taking the pledge........

320 Changes Direction 

While watching the shows on Anthony Bourdain, I came across a news segment that profiled this organizing and the wife of Chester Bennington, Talinda Bennington. It was a movement started so that his death would not be in vain. If you read this blog. please take the moment to check out the website and take the pledge to learn the 5 signs of emotional suffering. I think this takes it one step further than just sharing post on Facebook!

Here are the 5 Signs:
1. Personality Change
2. Agitated
3. Withdrawal
4. Poor Self-Care
5. Hopelessness 

As I have given thought to how I can do more...... I realize my racing in triathlons might be the perfect stage for me to drive the message, I am not sure how yet, but in some way I will be using my training and racing to bring more awareness to mental illness and suicide.

I may need some help in designing the coolest kit ever!!!!

#stopthestigma #iam1in4 #iamthechange #320chagesdirection

Maybe It Is Time To Honestly Talk About Suicide

"Far from the electric floor
  Removed from the red meat market
  I look for a fire door
  An escape from the drums and barking
  Bereft of all social charms
  Struck dumb by the hand of fear
  I fall into the corner's arms
  The same way that I've done for years
  I'm trapped in a collapsing building
  Come find me now, where I hide and
  We'll speak in our secret tongues."

"The Woodpile" - Frightened Rabbit 

Before I rant, I want to share with you some statistics on suicide:

1. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US
2. Each year 44,6945 Americans die by suicide or 123 people per day! 
3. For every suicide......25 attempt suicide
4. The rate of suicide has increased by 25% in the United States over the last two decades
5. The rate of suicide is highest in middle age — white men in particular.
6. Only half of all Americans experiencing an episode of major depression receive treatment
7. One in seven of those who don;t receive treatment attempt suicide

Seriously....... Just look at those statistics! 

So, can someone explain to me why, as a society, we are so afraid to talk about suicide and for that matter.....mental illness itself! 

One last statistic before my rant......1 in 4 people will experience some form of mental illness in their lifetime. 

I know I have blogged about this in the past, but why does it take the suicides of celebrities to realize that suicide is such an issue.  Within the past 3 weeks, three celebrities have committed suicide..... Scott Hutchison (lead singer - Frightened Rabbit), Kate Spade (designer) and Anthony Bourdain (chef and life explorer). 

Now for most people, the natural questions will be ....Why? How? This people had it all.... fame, fortune..... How could suicide be a possibility? 

As someone who has been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder......I can honestly say, you will never understand the why or how, if you don't suffer from a mental issue. It is very hard to explain but I need all of you to understand, depression is something that is never cured but one learns to change thought patterns to deal with it. And unfortunately, for those that suffer from it, you never know when those demons will resurface and overwhelm the thought patterns you have worked on so hard to avoid it. And I can tell you from personal experience, those demons will always be there and they have resurfaced at the weirdest times.

So what can we do?

First, as prevalent as suicide is.......don't be afraid to talk about it in an honest manner.

Second.... be aware of potential warning signs of people who may be suffering! What are those signs ........ https://www.changedirection.org/320-changes-direction/

Third..... for those left behind.......as much as you will feeling guilty, there probably was something that you could have done, as cruel as it sounds. 

Lastly.......don't be afraid to check in on those who you think are strong!

It is an epidemic that all of us can do something to lower the frequency of success. We will never stop it all but if we can stop one person.....it is a success! 

His quote below says it all! We all have far yet to go!

#stopthestigma #iam1in4